Hot Cocoa! Snow day.

Hot cocoa warms up the cold from the sky,
that fell in my hair and made it okay



to cry.
But the feeling doesn't last,
my stomach has frostbitE and
my heart has the cold sweats,
like ones rolling down my neck
or not like the ones from the ducts,
my eyes, your eyes, they rise,
the temperature ddrops but I'm warm,




with you.
I'm with you in my head,
and you, and you and you.
You on my hand and
sandcastles that fell
away that day to the fresh water saline,
the waves that made me cold.
And the feelings that were warm,
a cold kind of warm.
Like the bitter type of sweet.
The kind of feelings you would keep.
The kind of feelings you didn't choose


not to lose.
They could leave and fall,
like the leaves that fall,
we flew into them,
we loved through them,
that fall with you.
When you fall, would you ever stop?
Or is it some type of infinity?
Like questions with no answers
or ones with magic.
Like the kind that falls in my hair,
the kind that makes it okay
to want to be somewhere else.
And makes me happy to
be no where but where I am

in my head.
This stuff makes me so complete
and that makes me miss it all.
The things you can't overlook
chances we took that time,
this time there's nothing left.
No time left on the clock
and these starts aren't as fresh
as the pure white in my hair
and on my lips sparkles


in your eyes, my eyes?
They've seen more, and
your's have too.
That burns the scars.

Scars from times
when he held Mom til she wept
and every night we slept,
we were scared.
Magic quilts keep you safe,
but only in these minds,
when there's really nothing to fear.
And in that bed we cried silent tears.
And sometimes I fell out,
and through cracks in the floor,
from cracks in the wall.
But no one ever saw


the scars.
They're healed but they'll
always be opened wounds
because we keep them that way.
We just want to always remember
the day we felt good



feeling so bad.
These type of things don't go away
like the sun wont die.
Because if it did the oceans would
cry and they'd have nothing.
They'd have the moon,
but it's not quite as big.
Not quite as warm
but not so far away
like things that happened on other days.

New days come and they'll be old
days soon.
But we wont forget them,
not even when the hot cocoa warms them



away.

My Sestina.

Paper airplanes fly
as if they’re safe in motion.
Floating through invisible waves
as their wings whisper.
And with my second
thought, it falls like rain.

My eyes are caught on the rain
and the time flies
so slow. I lost count of the seconds.
I’m caught up in this e- motion
it falls into like whispers
of separated, tainted, waves.

Memories ebb and flow like waves
or tiny quiet ripples of rain,
leaving one last whisper..
One that is quieter than flies
on walls, lost from all motion
besides the ticking second.

First feels way better than second
Best, is like hands that wave
and don’t recollect, just a motion.
One that is worthy of reign,
noticed like dirty flies
lingering in your whisper.

The buzz is quiet like the whisper
you’re too proud to use. Second
chances are below the flies
on your body, bruised by waves,
and pulled apart when it rains.
You’re stained by the motion.

But the motion
wont move me, my whisper
remains, drowned out by the quiet rain.
Pits and pats with every half a second.
And I want to give in to the waves,
out to sea. Brought down, but I’ll fly.

Wings of flies are fragile, so they stay in tune with the motion
of salty ocean waves, as they suffocate my whisper.
It hurts for a second, but then I am the rain.

Wallflower.

Pick the petals off the flower on the wall.
One at a time, real slow.
One for yes, two for no, three for stay and four for go..
Your hands rest at the bottom of the hour glass.
It holds darker bruises than you’d ever know.
Scars fade, sand cascades.
Salt on my lips, trails from my eyes.
My very best is just a disguise.
Dance to the anticipation the second hand holds.
Fall into the valleys of the perfect petals’ folds.
Wish on the stars that are covered in rust.
Hearts fall into shallow puddles of lust.
Daisies grow to beauty from the dirt.
You’ll never know it, it hurt.
Don’t hush me, contain my worst enemy.
Daisies loose it all when you pick them.
Sweep them away, leave me, leave me.
Put them on your wall,
Easy to look at ‘til all the petals fall.
I have no pride, I am so small.
But take my petals as I lose it all.
My sovereignty is sour,
I’m the perfect, little wall flower.

I want to talk to someone.

But only a couple people.
The people I want to talk to never want to listen.
But I pray when God is listening.

Too. Much. Is. Going. On. In. My. Head.
I can't talk about it anywhere.
It's not my secret.
But just hearing it makes me sick.
I can't sleep.
I can't imagine.
Don't want to imagine.

I am covered in skin.

No. One. Gets. To. Come. In.
Pull me out from inside?

Orange juice.

My veins are pumping fire
and my skin is made of ice.
My heading is raging water
Sweetly, I'll say it's nice.
I sing riddles that pile on top of puzzles,
They're more coherent than you would ever know.
They way I speak can tell you all of my troubles,
It's only too much work to break my code.
Through misty eyes- my room is spinning.
My head is so dizzy but you can't feel me falling.
Can you hear me?
I try so hard to hide my helpless calling.
I'm nothing good at all for myself.
I sob and let my skeletons pile on a shelf.
Orange juice, take me back to the beginning.
I know too much of life and I miss the living.
Paper cuts heal and fade away.
But it's the pain that leads me to stray.
It's the pain you never forget.
It's the pain that you could never regret.
Because without it you would never know.
You'd never let yourself grow.
I fear I grew far too quick,
and all the growing makes me so sick..
For now I know when it couldn't be.
For now I see things I shouldn't see..
Not knowing was far more dangerous,
But knowledge is fear that wont let go of us.

Faith to see beyond what i can see. Faith to know that you will do great things. As I hold on to my faith, Jesus, you're holding on to me.

A-coon-ah-mah-tatah? Problem free philosophy.

I "ranaway". And got captured.

People suck everywhere.
Emily is the only one who doesn't in any way.
People are mean.
I feel so different from them.
And.. I keep making plans I shouldn't make.
I obvsiouly don't go through with them.
But it scares me.
I don't want to talk to anyone about it.
It's not like they could help anyways...

People break my heart and if they don't, I break theirs. And I don't know how to change.

Going to cranberry today.
I think I'll be completely crazy and pretend I'm running away : )


I can't wait.

"And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older and see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened."
-Douglas Couplin


I'm missing dinner, but the thought of being around her makes it worth it. The thought of loosing some weight makes it worth it. Why do girls think it's attractive to have eating disorders? I don't have one. But like ones who advertise that they'll supposedly missed dinner on purpose or something lke that, that's annoying. Shallow minds are annoying. She said I'm always happy. That everyone in the family is sad, but I'm always happy. But I hardly ever feel happy. I guess that means I've trained myself to put this front on better than I thought. Which is kinda good. But I want hope. I want help. She yells. She doesn't care who gets hurt. I'm so hurt. I can't even repair. Because before I even get the chance she's yelling again and I have no idea how I forgived her for the last time... Then tomorrow he'll come home. And she'll yell more. But he ignores it.. And sometimes she makes him think we deserve it.. Then he feels bad.. She'll say sorry but it's not enough. It she was really sorry she wouldn't keep doing it. And after I get upset, she'll make me feel worse by getting biddy buddy with Jake and making fun of me.. And don't even think I'm exaggerating, or making shit up. Because you have NO fucking idea. It's not your place to assume.. And I'm sick of assumptions..

I'm so messed up.
I can't solve my own puzzle.
You have no chance to get the pieces.
You are the pieces that make me up.
My hearts too big,
and it shows.
I can't run,
I can't scream.
But I try with an aching voice.
Who's name to call?.....
I'm lost...
And I'm found but always truly lost.
Please don't care.
I swear it'll bring me to my knees.
But it's all I cry when I cry my needs.
I need the impulse.
It's all too easy.
And I try not to plan it..
But it's all too easy.
So I write, I write, I write..
I write and I cry.
I cry and pretend.
I fake a smile and fake a laugh.
I'm going over board.
I scream and I flinch.
But it's not enough.
So I love, I love, I love.
You can say that word,
But you don't know how it hurt...
I feel the word every where.
Don't you dare count my years,
I've been alive for a million tears.
Hoping has always got the best of me.
And scars are all that's left of me.
I pray you see the rest of me.

That felt good.

It's wearing me so far down. I wanna know when there'll be nothing left of me. Cause it's felt close for a while.

Complaining doesn't help.
Nothing does.
I'm tired of being helpless.
aklskljaksjfkl.

You can't rely on ANYTHING or ANYONE to make you feel alive.
So what am I supposed to rely on? Myself?
I have no trust in myself.
I have no trust in anyone anymore.



But yeah;
Motercycle Driveby - Third Eye Blind.
That's my song.
Listen to it.

Summer time and the wind is blowing, outside in lower chelsea.
And I dont know what Im doing in this city,
The sun is always in my eyes,
It crashes through the windows, and Im sleeping on the couch,
When I came to visit you,
Thats when I knew that I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still Im the one whos stupid
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you dont mind, you smile,
And say the world doesnt fit with you.
I dont believe you, youre so serene.
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, youre guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And theres things Id like to do that you dont believe in,
I would like to build something, but youd never see it happen
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and ive, Ive never been so alive,

And theres this burning, ah ha, there was this burning. aye yie yie

Wheres the soul. I want to know, new york citys evil.
The surface is everything, but I could never do that,
Someone would see through that.
And this is the last time, well be friends again.
And Ill get over you ,youll wonder, who I am.
And theres this burning, just like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, alone, and ive, and ive, Ive never been so alive, so alive

I go home to the coast. it starts to rain, I paddle out on the water alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain. Im not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me, home,
And I never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

_______________________________________________

Mk, my turn.




They say I have this burning in my soul,
But my thoughts are just turning my head.
That's all it ever was.
I see through me.
I see what I am.
The mirror is translucent.
But you have this faith in me,
Faith I'll never own.
I'm just going down.
I take the punches as they roll.
I take them but you never see me fall.
I have so many fears.
The frown on my face is my anesthetic.
The sadder I am, they less I fear.
Nothing can go wrong when you just don't care.
I over think, I talk too fast, I sink.
I laugh too much, I cry too much, I over analyze.
What I've come to fear are your lies.
They said a fire burns inside me,
I hardly feel it anymore.
I wonder if I lost it.
I'm burning down.

I am such a sucker, and I'm always the last to know.
My insides are copper, I'd kill to make them gold.
-"Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here)" by FOB

Lately it's become apparent that my siblings and I don't relate to people as well as most other people. I was wondering if maybe we're aliens, idk. : ) Something is wrong with us, I think what's wrong with us is really right. Because I really wish more people were like my siblings.

I don't understand why people are so mean. What is wrong with teenagers? I know I am one. But I also know I'm not your average catty teenage girl. Not at all. If I told me that, you'd be lying. And it would hurt me.

I want to meet people who will love me like how I love them. Life gets lonely.

I'm trying, I am. I swear to anything. But I can't find what I'm doing wrong. I think I've lost my mind. I feel like I'm trapped inside my head.

I can't get along with people. It. Doesn't. Make. Sense. I'm normally easy to get along with.

I feel like... I lose. Yep. I just lose. Hahah.

I need someone to get me though. I need someone to worry. I need someone to know when I say I'm fine, I'm really really not. I need someone to not let me pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I need someone to tell me it's okay to be weak. Idk why I can't just do that for myself. But I feel like I'm the only one that can.

I feel like writing a poem. BYE.

I'm having a rough week. And it's lasted a couple years. Hahahaha. Okay kidding.
This summer was good. I feel like that was the only time I was just happy. There was nothing but that.
I don't understand me. I'm so tired. Moving to a different high school is hard. I'm not good at being friends with girls. I made friends and they're cool. But they're horrible friends.
People are mean to me. I feel like people like me, but they really try to bring me down and that's effed up to the highest level. I try to boost everyone up. It's not cool.
I've heard of girls being like this.. I just, idk..
It's hard.
And I can't help but be burned when people say mean things to me.
But when people say nice things about me, nice sincere things, I usually cry.
I don't understand!
It's always lose lose.

You all fill my words, you fill the empty spaces in between.
You fill my tears, but you don't own any of my years.
My tears fill my heart, even my sorrow can't breathe.



I wrote a poem in my head last night, but I forget how it went, I loved it.

I can feel the words forming on the tip of my tongue, I can feel the way you feel when your worries have been sung.
I feel my air purify my soul, I feel His love and I know he paid my toll.
I put my life together and took it apart to see it better.
But it's all a mess and everything is getting jumbled.
The thoughts in my head and the thoughts that roll off my toungue,
They're tainted, my sanity has faded.

Jake says the world is ending.
I say turn the news off and be happy.
But I feel so damn sad.
Sad to the core,
and happy on the outside.
Crush this anger,
find the blame.
Nothing will ever be the same..
Everything's a poem..
But I can't find the rhythm.
Everything is art,
I wish I was gifted from the start.

Blehhh

I am insane.
Hah. I feel emotionless sometimes. But I think I just cut my emotions off sometimes.
Because, in reality, I'm pretty emotional. Good emotional, too.
But, when I being super emotional, it sometimes sucks bad.
And when I'm being emotionless, it doesn't feel good either.

I'm just tired of her yelling.
I'm tired of people doubting me, everyone doubts me.

I kinda tired of writing these stupid blogs cause I sound like other stupid people.
But, atleast this is the only place I talk about it usually.

It's not an attention scheme.

Salt my wounds

I'd give you direct quotes, but, I'm just beyond that right now.
I want to die.
Bredin just basically called me a piece of shit for not talking to him.. When I've tried.
And, man, you just need to be in my head.

I want to die.

Okay.
Seriously, what the hell?
Idk. Everyone, I'm pretty sure knows what it feels like to be replaced, or to not be good enough.
I never fucking feel good enough.
Okay?
Never. But I love you all always. And it's not good enough. I'm not good enough. EVER.

I moved away from everyone being so scared I wouldn't be good enough for them to remember me. But they did.

False hope. You understand?


They're all slowly talking to me less.


I feel like...idk.
They're getting over me and I don't like it : ( I still need them.


Emily is my best friend.. And I was her's.
But now she has Caitlyn.
And idk, you probably dont get it. But it hurts worse than breaking up with any stupid boy.
Idk.. I trusted her, more than I've ever trusted anyone.. And like, idk. I finally had someone I could always depend on... And idk. That really doesn't happen to me a lot. I finally had someone I could compeltely trust, and that NEVER happens to me.


Idk..

Is it possible to be yourself too much?
Something is wrong with me, uhgg. The "unstableness" I wrote about earlier...
I realized I'm struggling to realize who I am.
I know who I was in cranberry.. And here,... Idk.
Is it possible to forget how to be you?
I feel like I act like myself.. But everything is out of control.
I don't think that is normal.
I am too open about my thoughts.
I'm just not me, I don't feel right..
I'm anxious all the time.. I can't sleep ever.
I need help and I can't figure out how to help me.



You can tell just from that little bit of thought that I'm not doing ok.



I know I sound cliche as hell, but please give me more credit than that..

I realized that I think I'm different because I have a personality. Everyone has a personality. I think I'm so confusing because, I have my own personality. I have my own little quirks. Everyone does though, for the most part. I'm not weird. I'm normal. Normal people are just as weird as I am.. Normal people all have their own little quirks.. I'm just Rachel, that makes me different. And you are you, so you are different, too.
"You're unique, just like everyone else."

Idk if that made sense to you, but it made sense to me.

It's been on my mind a lot. Needlesstosay, I don't think I'm "weird" anymore.. And I don't feel the need to tell everyone about my quirks... Because, they are secrets. And the people that love me will figure them out.. They are what makes every single person interesting. Nott just me.

I want someone to hold me, and tell me sweet things.

But boys are poop. And I guess I'm doing the right thing by not liking them.

It just feels bad. I like being wanted.

I have trouble acting normal.



I really have been trouble being "me".. Though "me" isn't very "normal" it feels more normal than what I've been doing.

I feel very unstable. But I'm fixing it all up.

Weelllll;

I'm depressed. I've learned it has a very distinct feeling.. Well, duh, sadness. But, it's more than that. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Pray for me.

I hope this doesn't last long.

I feel like a zombie..

And when I'm around people I automatically try to cover it up, which is kinda good... But it really makes me so frustrated.

Love you.

I'm literally crying because I spilled milk.
I feel like something is seriously wrong with me.
I really feel like I'm crying over something else, I just don't know what.
I should know, I want to be able to control my emotions.


I've been putting on a front a lot more lately..
Which I think could be good.
But I'm afraid that's why I'm crying more.

I just want to stop whining, but I can't if I'm really upset, because I don't want to keep these things all locked up inside.
And Pastor Chase told us all we need to stop whining.
I want to..


Idk what to do.
I just want to do that right thing.




"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." C.S. Lewis.

I'm very insecure, I'm not secure with myself at all. I think when most people think of insecure, they think of low self esteem. I don't believe I have low self esteem... I'm just not secure with myself. I've been trying to analyze myself.. So I can't kinda fix me.
Because I'm not secure with myself, I take forever to make sure I look my best, everyday. I hide behind my hair. And.. It also makes me very bad at making decisions, because I always doubt that I can make the right one. Every teenage girl wants to be skinnier.. Or wants to have a rounder butt, or bigger boobs or something dumb like that.. And I don't want to be like that. I thought I was fat when I weighed 112, and now, I weigh 117 and realize how stupid that was. If I ever feel like I'm fat now.. I try to remember that I thought I was fat back then.. And idk. It's hard to explain. Anyways, on friday, a kid told me I have a big butt.. And then he kept calling me fat. And I told Kareem about it. And he said I do have a big butt. And I told Jeremy about it... And he said I do have a big butt. I told you before about how I'm very insecure.. So. That didn't make me feel good.
Long story short, mom's going to get McDonalds. I told her I'm not hungry. I hate boys.

I feel like I have strep. AGAIN.
ALSKGJKLASDJGKLJADKLJKGLJ.
Something is not right in this situation.

I will follow you.

You are the source of the life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow you

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You.






I LOVE JESUS. So much. I just wrote about always feeling out of place. But tonight I found my place, under Jesus's arm, singing his praise. I feel so good right now, I hope it last. Tonight we talked bout being less normal.. Which I need to start doing. And "cleaning our house" which I needed to do. And we talked about not being babies.. Which I need to stop doing.


Wow. I love God.

Shell

I have an internal storm.
The floods are in my lungs.
They start to fill,
I start to fall.
I fall to the depths,
I retrace all my steps.
Try to recall my thoughts.
I don't even know who I am.
Don't tell me what I'm made of.
All you see is my shell,
This shell is my living hell.
I want to break free.
But, I fear that's all you want of me.

I realized today;
that I feel really out of place, and.. that I almost always do feel out of place. I guess everyone wants that feeling of belonging... But, I feel like most people find it. And I wonder if something is wrong with me.
I realized today;
that I'm not a very good person. I want to be.. But.. I'm weak. I'm dumb. I make bad decisions. I don't read the bible... I don't exercise like I should.. I'm not very original. I'm way too passive.. And I'm a brat. I complain way too much, because I need other people.. Though I claim I'm independent. I want so badly to be better.. And I some how still can't find the motivation.

Make me dance.

I'm SICK of being the puppet.

Clutter in my mind.

That breath that I'm so in love with.

This emotion is my slave,
Along with my mechanical wave..

The beat of my heart is mechanic?

You tell me I'm the light,
But I can feel every fight.

I feel like praise is a lie.

I feel the leak inside.
I keep the fault in mind.

I want to feel the warmth of another.

I'll push you away..
And keep your hand in mine.

Do coffin walls set you free?

I was told there's something I need,
They said I need some type of key..

I'm lonely...
Emily doesn't talk to me a lot anymore.. And I told her she was missed and she said she's just been busy.. But she's been on myspace for atleast an hour. And she hasn't gotten on AIM or anything. And that just makes me feel like she doesn't care. And... I want people to care. But... Oh well. Nothing I can do..

Today I was told I am an "intense" person. It made me happy. She told me she would have never expected me to have such an "intense" personality.. She's really cool too. She asked me to go to a dance class with her. Hip hop. On thursday, I'm excited.

I made dinner for the family. Chicken parm subs. : ) From scratch! Yeah. Well basically. I mean, I didn't use like chicken patties.
Also, I have a 97% in english and the class average is 77%. So, awesome.
Chorus concert on wednesday, we're sing Schubert's Mass In G. It's Latin. All in latin, pretty cool if you ask me. They're all about the arts here.
In art, I'm making an iron and ironing board out of packing tape! I'm almost done. They're AWESOME. For real.
My frien Kareem is coming over on saturday and I'm going to cook for him. It's valentines day. So he asked me to be his valentine. We're just friends, but it was nice.


I was tired of pouting.

Migraine. I was supposed to be better today. UHGG. It's just really making me mad. I'm tired of being sick. I'm sick of being tired.


I feel like people don't care about me today.
It's a yucky feeling.

STREP.
Bad strep.
Mom kept telling me I was getting better! I didn't feel like I was. Today my temp read 102.5. So we went to the doctor. When she looked at my throat she literally jumped and went "Wow! That looks terrible!" Hahah. She said she could seriously smell the strep.



So wowww. Hahaha. They gave me vicadin. : D :D :D I'll be able to sleep tonight!

I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. I'm trying to do everything right, but I can't. And I feel like I'm failing.

Charlottesville is really easy. I'm taking a lot of college classes next year. Speaking of failing. Hahahaha.

I'm so sick. My temp keeps going up then breaking. I feel like I'm going through menopause.. Not sure if I spelled that right. Sound it out.
I drank tea this morning! And it helped me swallow all the crap in my throat, no exaggeration, it tasted like I licked a dentist office floor. It was so gross.


Anyways, just pray for me. Haha.

Bad tonsil.

My left tonsil needs cut out. NOW. It hurts sooooo bad. But mom said it's not tonsillitis unless it hurts like this 3 or 4 times. It feels like it needs cut out now. : |

I'm going to winterfest this weekend. It sounds fun.


Cut out my tonsil?


Then I would get to miss school!

Just a little more love.

I feel pretty right now. My hair is not done, I just woke up from a nap. I'm wearing dirty clothes. But I really feel pretty.


Be strong. You can make it through anything.


"A Little's Enough" by Angels and Airwaves

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where everything is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home

To say I
I can do anything, If you want me here
And I can fix anything, If you'll let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with brightest eyes
Like turning water into wine
The children ran to see
Their parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The Earth itself then came alive

To say I,
I can do anything, If you want me here
And I can fix anything, If you'll let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough

(Instrumental)

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough (Repeat)

This is beautiful. LISTEN TO IT.

It doesn't fit.

In the end, it's the "what if"'s that hurt the most. Like, what if things had gone a little differently? Me? I don't believe in fate. I believe we have more control then we think and every action has a reaction.
-Scrubs.

I really love that quote... I really agree with it.
Today, I saw a car crash. Mom thinks it was weird because we just sat in the parking lot for a little bit, for no reason.. And for some reason, I never urged her to hurry like I normally would. If we would have left 3 seconds earlier, it could have been us.
The weird thing about the crash is that, it didn't like.. fit. It just didn't. It didn't seem like it was supposed to happen. The day was too pretty, then bam. Idk.. I guess, no day really seems right for a disaster. They never fit. Do they?
Someone once told me that "A girl with such a pretty face should never frown." To me.. That's just like, the disaster of a frown doesn't fit on my face. It doesn't belong. But, honestly, who has a face that looks good with a frown?

I've been really sad lately guys. Idk. I know it'll get better. I know I whine. But, I don't whine any other time.. I really don't. This is my outlet. I don't do it for attention. I don't do it for pity. Idk.. I kinda just feel like I'm admitting my weakness.
Today, a kid told me he was going to kill himself.. He had reasons why like, "Everyone seems to hate me. Girls wont have sex with me." And the whole time I was thinking "I have so many more reasons..." But, I stick it out. It's not that hard. I texted Greg (new friend down here, guitar guy) and he said he just wanted attention. And.. I kinda knew that. But, I didn't care. I still wanted to be there for the suicidekid. Because.. when I want to kill myself, I want so badly for people to care.. And they never do. Even if I never come out and say "I'm going to kill myself".. When I say I'm sad, no matter how strong I want to be, I really need help. But no one takes it seriously. Everyone thinks I just want pity.. Or that's what I think anyways. Idk... I guess I don't usually tell people I'm sad in the first place.

My uncle bill is in jail. Anyone who is reading this should know why. I just don't understand. I don't think he did it. And now he has 2.5 years at the least in jail. I love him so much. And my cousin Whitney, his daughter, said God was good for putting him in jail. I don't think God put him in jail.... I don't understand this world.
I asked Ryan why bad things happen like that and he said "When I think about true love, I believe true love lets people choose no matter what. God doesn't force us to love him. He lets us chose, But we don't always chose to love God and people. A lot of times we chose to destroy, sometimes not even knowing why. We have made the mistakes which affect the world. God lets us chose because he loves us that much. He loves us so much that he doesn't care if we fuck it up. He just created us to let us experience his love."


I really love Ryan.

I really don't care if sounds like I want pity.
Is that wrong?
I just like to write how I feel.
And... sometimes what I feel is pitiful.

I wish I could explain to you how I feel... I am seriously, my biggest enemy... I'm killing myself. I feel like I have two people inside me. One knows that the other side is wrong.. But the other side, it's bad The other side thinks I'm horrible. I can't do anything right.. Anything.
I'm in a fight and the other side is winning, I need help.. I need some help.
I'm trying so hard.
But it just has me split. With the cold and hot winds.
I'm sensing a tornado. Maybe this is the tornado..
But you can't hear this, you can't understand...
I'm sad..
I love Jesus.
I know I don't need a guy and I'm trying to keep reminded myself that but, the habit is in my veins. I wish I would have said no. I tried.. I was helpless. I was pathetic. I was the lamb.
And he was the lion.

I could have just stopped it. I could have. Why didn't I? I hate myself. Uhg.
Taylor said that I have too much damn respect for other people. And none for myself. And I believe that's the truth... She said I'm too scared. I'm too scared I'll hurt someone. And I'm killing myself while saving everyone else.


God, help me.

I have no trouble admitting who I was. I have no trouble telling you who I was only a moment ago. Why? Because that is not who I am this moment. Ask me anything about what I did, what I thought, anything- I am confident that I am not longer that person.

I don't make decisions, you make the decisions.
It's dark and I'm cold.
So help me find the way.
Guide me, guide me..

I start to scream,
But your plug is in my throat.
I start to run away,
But your walls surround me.
I want out,
I can't control this.
This is a falling out,
I know I can control this.
I don't have the will.
My strength has washed away.
So I'll set every damn thing on fire.
My heart is a sinking ship.
My head has blown a fuse.
I'm sick of all this shit.
I write my words,
so you can burn them,
Then blow away the ashes.
I make this smile,
You can't see my frown.
I can't express this hate.
I'm don't with myself.
I'm a lost cause.
I'm lost because..

I'm always red handed.

Also some kid just told me I look like a chipmunk because of my teeth.
That means I have gross teeth.
Buck teeth.

I'm so sick of today.

So I realized why I'm having trouble finding people I want to hang out with.
Because I'm so used to my people. And my people where nothing like me. I was the only one in the group like me...
I was the only rachel.
Now the groups I'm finding are all like me.
And... I'd rather me the only one.

I miss home.

I'm so depressed.
That's all.

I met a boy. He's teaching me how to play guitar. He re-strung my guitar...
He thinks he has a chance with me. Thats why he's being so nice.
I just want to learn how to play guitar.
Poor kid.


I found a really awesome youth group, here.

I miss home..

Panic attack number 2 today.
Uhg : (
They suck.
2 in 5 days.

I miss home.

I've never been so mad.
Ever.

I hope..
I hope that...


Jesus loves you because I most certainly can't.


First he insults me. While I was insulting him, granted. But he thinks he's so great. I was trying to tell him he wasn't, nicely. And he thought I was telling him he was even greater! So, I just let him have it.
Then, he gave up and stopped replying. Then he gets all buddy buddy with Joe whom he only ever talked shit on. ever. Joe being one of my best friends. And joe goes for it!!! Even though he knows I'm mad at sam. And that sam only ever talked shit. And now joe is doign a music video for Sam. W.T.F. He woulcn't get along with him when we were together.


THEN. He tells Nic's girlfriend Alyson that I'm obsessed with Nic and nic begs me to get drunk with him. WHich he knows isn't true. That cause a whole big problem that wasn't needed.


Idk. I'm sure you had to be in my shoes to really understand, I was just so mad. I still kinda am.


I hate the smell of new jeans.

This isn't just "goodbye", this is "I can't stand you."


I had a panic attack yesterday in school. The worst one I've ever had, it came out of no where. And, seriously if I'd even give you the disgusting facts there's no way you'd think I was being dramatic. I still feel kinda weird.
But after I had it and calmed down, I got sooooo hyper.

Bah.


So, I miss home, so much.


Here isn't bad though.

uhhhhhh.

December 23rd.

I sleep through the alarms,
I sleep to rid your finger tips.
When I sleep I feel numb.
When I breath, I am numb.
I can't escape.
There is never an impulsive escape.
I washed all mine down the sink.
You are no substitute..
You have no substance.
I'm the best actress.
I make my smile, I make my mask.
I kiss you, I just act.
I think, I feel, you have no idea.
I give you my heart as shield.
With mine around your's,
I take the pain, I take the fall.
I need it for myself.
You don't make me.
You can not break me.
This is my life, my heart.
It was mine from the start..
I am the ghost, in the past.
I can't stop the haunt.
You never stopped the hunt.
I'm the ghost, in your breath.
I'll take it all away.
The beat of your heart,
It was not my song..
This has gone on way too long.
I put my foot down,
But I will not yell.
You will hear, you never listen..
I'm so far away.
I'm cold like December Twenty-Third.

Funny thing is, I'm afraid of masks.
But I'm a master at making them.

I don't look beautiful when I frown.
Pictures just look better with smiles.
Smiles make people feel better.
People feel less guilty.
But I'm gone.
There is no one to blame.
I'm not strong enough.

If smiles are always fake,
how will I know how to make one real.