Being here is depressing.
In less than a month, this will be permanent.
There wont be any coming home to look forward to.
There wont be much of anything to look forward to.
I used to say this move will either make or break me...
But, I don't see it making me.
Not at all.
I can feel it breaking me.

I didn't take the drug. I didn't inhale. I didn't swallow. I didn't drink it. I didn't bleed. I don't feel.
I'm numb.
I didn't hear your words. I didn't listen. I didn't care. I didn't fall. I didn't cry.
I don't feel.
I'm numb.
I didn't see you. I didn't look. I didn't stare. I didn't glare. I didn't blink, ever.
I don't feel.
I'm numb.



Also, I ate way too much today. Bet you did too!

Well, I never drug you down with me,
Never would have thought to.
Hating you is impurity to the love.
Never thought to hate you.
You wont hear my words.
You wont feel my heart.
You will never see;
Never did form the start.
I drop words and hints,
I drop blood and devotions.
You wont be my friend..
You wont be my fire.
You're gone in the smoke.
I'm burning to the ashes.
The hot iron burns with me;
I hope your heart's in tact.
Every moment in the end,
Was a matter of fact.
You breathe hypocrisy and beer..
I wont let you kill me.
I'm okay with one single tear.

Mom and I were ordering bras. And he said I could exchange them online. And I said "No you can't. You're making that up." Cause she sometimes says stuff when she's not sure.
Apparently I'm a bitch. I yelled at mom for calling me that.. Cause she shouldn't. And now I'm grounded?

She ripped the exchange slip.
Keeps slamming things around.
Told me to go to hell.
She told me to move out again.

I want to.


Update.
After that whole deal,
.. Okay. Back ground info. I love my cats tail. Its huge and fluffy. And my mom kept sayin he needed it cut and I said no. She knew I loved it. I thought she was kidding.
She seriously took him and cut the hair on his tail...
Because she was pissed at me.

W,t,f..

Ashes of little things

I’m so far from where I am..
Looking in, across the yard.
You have no idea where I stand.
Screaming words I keep within.
I can’t find the sunshine in my smile.
I can’t break the path I walk.
I’ve been here for a while..
I can’t hear you when you talk.
I knew you meant everything to me.
But, what is everything now?
You’re nowhere and I can’t see..
I don’t know why, can’t tell how.
I wish you’d stop reflecting in my eyes.
Erase the messed up goodbyes.
Your heart beat echoes in my sighs,
Can’t forget you.. And I miss you.
I would tie up the little things..
I’d scatter your ashes into beauty.
But, I can’t make it happen,
I’m on my own.

I'm sick to my stomach.

I hate this. I hate that I hate this..
I hate that I can't just be okay.

I'm gonna miss you.

"I'm gonna miss you", throw that to the wind.
I'm getting tired, I think this is the end..
I try to run away, you walk to match my pace.
Anywhere I look, your words are in my face.

You make me wanna yell,
I'll probably burn in hell..

I would say something to catch.
Catch your breath, take it away.
I'd give it back..
Maybe in early spring..

Late may.

Lately people are telling me a lot that I'mgoing change the world. That they know I can do something great. That they have faith in me.
And I feel like, thats impossible. I feel like people try to make you not believe that, usually. And when they do say it they don't mean it.
Its impossible for me to change the world, isn't it?
I think people just want a nice goodbye speech.
They're nice..
But I just feel like everyone is lying.

And why in the world would anyone have faith in me?

Idk.

And I'd tell you I was gonna end it.
So you'd see me frown..
Maybe then you'd try to help me.
Maybe then you'd try to love me.
But if I told you I wanted to end it.
You'd think I wasn't crying out for you
You'd think I was crying for the spotlight..


I don't know whats going on.
I'm so tired...
I'm so dead.

Whatever.
Screw trying to be more than a statistic to you.

Dreamer.

Last night, I had a dream-
I had Mom/Ryan's old tracker. And I was a lone. I drove it to cooksforest. I don't remember everything but the drive was really long. I remember that. And at the end of the drive I was just weaving on a path through all the trees. There were trees every where. It got difficult. But then I got there and parked. Ryan met me. And I just walked with him. We didn't say anything. But we came to the bottom of a path. It was enclosed with trees. Even the top was closed it. It was beautiful. It went up,.. lke a hill. Haha. And At the top there was a huge cross. I didn't say anything btu Ryan said "Wait til you get to the top." But, I didn't walk up it. Mom came to meet me. And we went to see Nigel. Then mom walked with me to the top and tried to push me off..


Show much stuff that dream shows. I can't even figure it all out.

And its not that I think mom is trying to kill me. Its just like everytime I get into a happy place, she accidentally ruins it.
But then again, maybe I just let her ruin it.

These walls are broken.
Our lives are empty.
These walls are empty.
Our lives are broken.



I'm so homesick.
And I've been no where but the house I've lived in for years.

Figure that one out.

Moving.

Decemeber 21?
Around there.
For real.
For sure.
D :
Scary.
I'm gonna miss Emily.
I'm gonna miss Heath.
I'm gonna miss everything.
But this house is not a home anymore.

But, you are not the sun.

xracheyrachex (6:20:46 PM): He thinks he's the sun.

iSenn93 (6:21:13 PM): I must ask, why'd you date a kid who thought he wsa the sun?

xracheyrachex (6:24:30 PM): You know, when you look at the sun, you can't really see anything. Or focus on anything else. Its amazing. But, when you look at the sun for too long, you go blind. And when everything goes dark, you realize how stupid you were.

iSenn93 (6:25:04 PM): That, my friend, was an amazing analogy. Also very true.

xracheyrachex (6:25:33 PM): Thanks. One good thing I picked up from Sam..

All of the sudden she disappears
just yesterday she was here
somebody tell me if I am sleeping
someone should be with me here
(cause I don't wanna be alone)

I wanna be the knife that cuts into my hand
and I wanna be scattered from here in this catapult
What a big baby won't somebody save me please
You won't find nobody home

all of these quiet battered voices
wait for the hunger to come
we got little revolvers and stupid choices
and no one to say when we're done
(Well I don't wanna bring you down)

I wanna be the light that burns out your eyes
`cause I know there's little things about me
that would sing in the silence of so much rejection
in every connection I make
I can't find nobody home
I wanna be the last thing you hear when you're falling asleep....

Yeah, I'm okay.

I feel like shit actually.

Goodbye.

I'm burnt out.
I don't think I could ever have that fire in my eyes again.

I know what you think of me.

I really do care.

But, I'm so dead.
You never had any idea.
You wouldn't let yourself see it coming.

My song.

Caught in a cold sweat, stuck splitting hairs.

I'm drinking too much I'm on my way to striking out..
Go to sleep with the pressure of everyone.
Watching and waiting- they're your's for the taking..
But, I still have my doubts.

I said before you ask which way to go,
Remember where you've been.

Stay awake,
Get a grip and get out. your safe.
From the weight of the world just take
A second to set things straight.
I'll be fine..
Even though I'm not always right.
I can count on the sun to shine.
The dedication takes a lifetime,
But dreams only last for the night.

Figure it out-
Boy you're tripping so, pull yourself together.
Or you'll wash up like the rest.
Cause this ship is sinking
I'm thinking, I'm done for
I watch as the sails disappear under water
Cause I'm no captain yet..

I said before you ask which way to go
Remember where you've been.

Stay awake,
Get a grip and get out. your safe.
From the weight of the world

just take
A second to set things straight.
I'll be fine..
Even though I'm not always right.
I can count on the sun to shine.
The dedication takes a lifetime,
But dreams only last for the night.

Believe you me-
I'll give them everything.
I'd tell them anything.
To show them everything.
Believe you me-
I'll give them everything.
I'd tell them anything.

You ain't the only one's who wanna live it up!
You ain't the only one's! [ x4]

Stay awake,
Get a grip and get out. your safe.
From the weight of the world

just take
A second to set things straight.
I'll be fine..
Even though I'm not always right.
I can count on the sun to shine.
The dedication takes a lifetime,
But dreams only last for the night.