I'm sad.
I'm trying to be strong.
Maybe I'll snap back.
But I feel defeat..
I feel homesick.
I feel alone.


Its only been 3 days.

Left Rachel.
Left Rachel is excited to be in Virgina.
Left Rachel cannot wait to start school.
Left Rachel wants to make new friends.
Left Rachel knows life will be okay.
Left Rachel thinks this is an ADVENTURE.
Left Rachel thinks this will set the stage for more adventures.

Right Rachel.
Right Rachel is trapped in Virginia.
Right Rachel knows she will fail in the new school.
Right Rachel misses her old friends.
Right Rachel knows life will suck until she goes back to PA.
Right Rachel wants to stay in her new room.
Right Rachel knows this will never be home.

Rachel cannot decide how she feels.


I feel like I miss home.
And if home is where the heart is; I'm living 387 miles away from home.

I'm gone.

In like 8 hours.




Sleeping on the floor tonight.
Leaving early.



Hoopblha.

Don't.


You.



Dare.



Touch.



Me.







Who do you even think you are?




Who am I? Do I have any back bone at all?




You have no respect for me.



Do I have any respect for myself?

About 3 days.



Idk.


I think I'm doing ok.
I'm just afraid I'll snap when we leave.

So, I felt unappreciated, but Emily threw me a surprise going away party.. With all the people I love the most. It was amazing.
I fully beat up a boy because he slapped me across the face. He didn't come to school today : ), he was in pain. Maybe he learned a lesson.
Maybe now everyone knows I can take care of myself.
All and all, it was probably the best night of my life.

Mom's gettin me voice lessens for Christmas. I hope I can actually get good. I'll go to juliard and start a band! Hhahahahah.



Good day, I made two of my entire classes laugh, single handedly.
I semi played spies, Em and I are playing at her house on.. someday.
The history teachers want my bod. : D
HAHAHAH.

I can't be good enough for you people.
I've honestly stopped trying.
But, it still hurts.

My mother believes I am a horrible person.
My Sam, is using me?!
My Emily has Taylor again. Doesn't need me.


I had a bad day.
I feel like I'm having a bad life.

I suck at volleyball. I let my team down.. It made me feel bad.

Mom and I got in a fight.
I was trying to be nice.
.. I told Sam about it.
And he said "Mhm."

I don't know if I just ask too much of people, But I need them so badly. I hate to admit it. I'd love it if I could just deal with everythign with out them. But I'm sad. I'm so sad. And I still help them WHENEVER they neeed. They call me at one in the morning while I'm sick to hell and I listen to them cry. And help them. I want someone to care about me like I care about all them. I want someone who I can rely on.
I need help.


I'm so sick of being alone.
I just want someone.
I don't have anyone.

My cat even hates me.

Millions of miles away I'll be
I know you'll still be with me
Cause I am your R.
And you are my E.
Look into the past
All the moments that have passed.
The frowns never stay down,
Our smiles are always around.
In the days we have to face,
I'm not gone without a trace.
I always be here for you,
I know you're here for me, too.


Yuck. That sucks.
I'm trying to write a good poem for emily cause I'm making her this huge thing.

"Homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I'm always missing someone or someplace or something, I'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing"

I wish I wrote that.

I don't care if the world is burning down.
I try not to think what I think is true.
Your voice wrecked how I heard sound.
Every sound, it sings like you.
I want to catch you with every word I say.
When you talk, it's never gonna fall.
I want to take all your sad songs away.
Because when you're sad it's all gone away.
You never sing loud enough.
I'm dying to hear the words you say.
With all your words I've been though..
Just let me know, how's it gonna stay?

I've forgotten what I was forgetting.
All my burdens I carried through,
Have been my blessings from the beginning.

When you left, you took my air.
You slashed my lungs and left me there.
I never could walk on water..
Still, I tried to go farther.
My voice was drowned.
And I'm still treading your's.
Don't come back..
But bring your cures.

.. : (

He told me listen to this.

If its the beaches by the Avett brothers.
I don't know what he wants from me.



Don't say it's over
Cause that's the worst news I could hear I swear that I will
Do my best to be here just the way you like it
Even though its hard to hide
Push my feelings all aside
I will rearrange my plans and change for you

If I could go back
That's the first thing I would do I swear that I would
Do my best to follow through
Come up with a master plan
A homerun hit, a winning stand
A guarantee and not a promise
That I'll never let your love slip from my hands

If it's the beaches
If it's the beaches' sands you want
Then you will have them
If it's the mountains' bending rivers
Then you will have them
If it's the wish to run away
Then I will grant it
Take whatever what you think of
While I go gas up the truck
Pack the old love letters up
We will read them when we forget why we left here

Not very poetic.

Would you rather me drop the bomb or stay under cover?
I've never felt so alone.
I want you to pay your attention to me.
I never would have walk out.
You pushed me around, I fell down.
I fell out the door.
When you had your foot in the way.
I'm gone, did you lose me?
I'm leading myself back.
But, its dark and my eyesight has gone bad.
I'm lost, I'm giving up.
No no, pretending to give up.
Maybe, that'll get you.
But, never, it never will.
I'll never get you..

Today, I decided I was gonna be happy for atleast 16 days.
Well, I'm not happy.


KIJSDKLGJKLADJGLKADJGKLJ.


Nothing even happened.

I agree.
Love you guys..
Uhg.


Ps-

Wow. I have an option. A big one...

Being here is depressing.
In less than a month, this will be permanent.
There wont be any coming home to look forward to.
There wont be much of anything to look forward to.
I used to say this move will either make or break me...
But, I don't see it making me.
Not at all.
I can feel it breaking me.

I didn't take the drug. I didn't inhale. I didn't swallow. I didn't drink it. I didn't bleed. I don't feel.
I'm numb.
I didn't hear your words. I didn't listen. I didn't care. I didn't fall. I didn't cry.
I don't feel.
I'm numb.
I didn't see you. I didn't look. I didn't stare. I didn't glare. I didn't blink, ever.
I don't feel.
I'm numb.



Also, I ate way too much today. Bet you did too!

Well, I never drug you down with me,
Never would have thought to.
Hating you is impurity to the love.
Never thought to hate you.
You wont hear my words.
You wont feel my heart.
You will never see;
Never did form the start.
I drop words and hints,
I drop blood and devotions.
You wont be my friend..
You wont be my fire.
You're gone in the smoke.
I'm burning to the ashes.
The hot iron burns with me;
I hope your heart's in tact.
Every moment in the end,
Was a matter of fact.
You breathe hypocrisy and beer..
I wont let you kill me.
I'm okay with one single tear.

Mom and I were ordering bras. And he said I could exchange them online. And I said "No you can't. You're making that up." Cause she sometimes says stuff when she's not sure.
Apparently I'm a bitch. I yelled at mom for calling me that.. Cause she shouldn't. And now I'm grounded?

She ripped the exchange slip.
Keeps slamming things around.
Told me to go to hell.
She told me to move out again.

I want to.


Update.
After that whole deal,
.. Okay. Back ground info. I love my cats tail. Its huge and fluffy. And my mom kept sayin he needed it cut and I said no. She knew I loved it. I thought she was kidding.
She seriously took him and cut the hair on his tail...
Because she was pissed at me.

W,t,f..

Ashes of little things

I’m so far from where I am..
Looking in, across the yard.
You have no idea where I stand.
Screaming words I keep within.
I can’t find the sunshine in my smile.
I can’t break the path I walk.
I’ve been here for a while..
I can’t hear you when you talk.
I knew you meant everything to me.
But, what is everything now?
You’re nowhere and I can’t see..
I don’t know why, can’t tell how.
I wish you’d stop reflecting in my eyes.
Erase the messed up goodbyes.
Your heart beat echoes in my sighs,
Can’t forget you.. And I miss you.
I would tie up the little things..
I’d scatter your ashes into beauty.
But, I can’t make it happen,
I’m on my own.

I'm sick to my stomach.

I hate this. I hate that I hate this..
I hate that I can't just be okay.

I'm gonna miss you.

"I'm gonna miss you", throw that to the wind.
I'm getting tired, I think this is the end..
I try to run away, you walk to match my pace.
Anywhere I look, your words are in my face.

You make me wanna yell,
I'll probably burn in hell..

I would say something to catch.
Catch your breath, take it away.
I'd give it back..
Maybe in early spring..

Late may.

Lately people are telling me a lot that I'mgoing change the world. That they know I can do something great. That they have faith in me.
And I feel like, thats impossible. I feel like people try to make you not believe that, usually. And when they do say it they don't mean it.
Its impossible for me to change the world, isn't it?
I think people just want a nice goodbye speech.
They're nice..
But I just feel like everyone is lying.

And why in the world would anyone have faith in me?

Idk.

And I'd tell you I was gonna end it.
So you'd see me frown..
Maybe then you'd try to help me.
Maybe then you'd try to love me.
But if I told you I wanted to end it.
You'd think I wasn't crying out for you
You'd think I was crying for the spotlight..


I don't know whats going on.
I'm so tired...
I'm so dead.

Whatever.
Screw trying to be more than a statistic to you.

Dreamer.

Last night, I had a dream-
I had Mom/Ryan's old tracker. And I was a lone. I drove it to cooksforest. I don't remember everything but the drive was really long. I remember that. And at the end of the drive I was just weaving on a path through all the trees. There were trees every where. It got difficult. But then I got there and parked. Ryan met me. And I just walked with him. We didn't say anything. But we came to the bottom of a path. It was enclosed with trees. Even the top was closed it. It was beautiful. It went up,.. lke a hill. Haha. And At the top there was a huge cross. I didn't say anything btu Ryan said "Wait til you get to the top." But, I didn't walk up it. Mom came to meet me. And we went to see Nigel. Then mom walked with me to the top and tried to push me off..


Show much stuff that dream shows. I can't even figure it all out.

And its not that I think mom is trying to kill me. Its just like everytime I get into a happy place, she accidentally ruins it.
But then again, maybe I just let her ruin it.

These walls are broken.
Our lives are empty.
These walls are empty.
Our lives are broken.



I'm so homesick.
And I've been no where but the house I've lived in for years.

Figure that one out.

Moving.

Decemeber 21?
Around there.
For real.
For sure.
D :
Scary.
I'm gonna miss Emily.
I'm gonna miss Heath.
I'm gonna miss everything.
But this house is not a home anymore.

But, you are not the sun.

xracheyrachex (6:20:46 PM): He thinks he's the sun.

iSenn93 (6:21:13 PM): I must ask, why'd you date a kid who thought he wsa the sun?

xracheyrachex (6:24:30 PM): You know, when you look at the sun, you can't really see anything. Or focus on anything else. Its amazing. But, when you look at the sun for too long, you go blind. And when everything goes dark, you realize how stupid you were.

iSenn93 (6:25:04 PM): That, my friend, was an amazing analogy. Also very true.

xracheyrachex (6:25:33 PM): Thanks. One good thing I picked up from Sam..

All of the sudden she disappears
just yesterday she was here
somebody tell me if I am sleeping
someone should be with me here
(cause I don't wanna be alone)

I wanna be the knife that cuts into my hand
and I wanna be scattered from here in this catapult
What a big baby won't somebody save me please
You won't find nobody home

all of these quiet battered voices
wait for the hunger to come
we got little revolvers and stupid choices
and no one to say when we're done
(Well I don't wanna bring you down)

I wanna be the light that burns out your eyes
`cause I know there's little things about me
that would sing in the silence of so much rejection
in every connection I make
I can't find nobody home
I wanna be the last thing you hear when you're falling asleep....

Yeah, I'm okay.

I feel like shit actually.

Goodbye.

I'm burnt out.
I don't think I could ever have that fire in my eyes again.

I know what you think of me.

I really do care.

But, I'm so dead.
You never had any idea.
You wouldn't let yourself see it coming.

My song.

Caught in a cold sweat, stuck splitting hairs.

I'm drinking too much I'm on my way to striking out..
Go to sleep with the pressure of everyone.
Watching and waiting- they're your's for the taking..
But, I still have my doubts.

I said before you ask which way to go,
Remember where you've been.

Stay awake,
Get a grip and get out. your safe.
From the weight of the world just take
A second to set things straight.
I'll be fine..
Even though I'm not always right.
I can count on the sun to shine.
The dedication takes a lifetime,
But dreams only last for the night.

Figure it out-
Boy you're tripping so, pull yourself together.
Or you'll wash up like the rest.
Cause this ship is sinking
I'm thinking, I'm done for
I watch as the sails disappear under water
Cause I'm no captain yet..

I said before you ask which way to go
Remember where you've been.

Stay awake,
Get a grip and get out. your safe.
From the weight of the world

just take
A second to set things straight.
I'll be fine..
Even though I'm not always right.
I can count on the sun to shine.
The dedication takes a lifetime,
But dreams only last for the night.

Believe you me-
I'll give them everything.
I'd tell them anything.
To show them everything.
Believe you me-
I'll give them everything.
I'd tell them anything.

You ain't the only one's who wanna live it up!
You ain't the only one's! [ x4]

Stay awake,
Get a grip and get out. your safe.
From the weight of the world

just take
A second to set things straight.
I'll be fine..
Even though I'm not always right.
I can count on the sun to shine.
The dedication takes a lifetime,
But dreams only last for the night.

Scream so you know I feel like shit.
And say all the things,
just so they all hit.

Once you've said it all.
And I've got nothing left.
Come back for more.
Is stealing my sole;
Under grand theft?

There is no way for you
To see through these walls,
If you think you get it,
I hope you think again.
If you're in here, you know-
There's nothing you can gain.

Its a constant depression.
And everyone will fall.
But, one person adds to another
And the little boy stays neutral.

Underestimate my words,
Disregard me as disrespect.
But, I know my feelings.
I know these walls.
I cry these calls.

You could never see through me.
You could never know what to see.

Count to ten.

1. Loose my history paper I'm allowed to use on the test.
2. Girl things.
3. Dean a ninth grader! throws hand sanitizer in my hair.. He's such a bully.
4. Bell rings for 8th period while I'm peeing.
5. Mom had a bad day.
6. Mom and I don't get along a DMV.


Finally got my permit. 100% on the test.

7. Mom wont let me drive!
8. Mom lets me drive and FREAKS OUT.
9. Windi sends mom a not so friendly letter.
10. Water spills all over me while driving.


First day of work on saturday.


I'm growing uppp!


Every reflection's the same.

Is all I can write about puddles and walks?


I don't know the blocks,
or how they attach to one another.
I can't form these lines,
I can't put them together.
All I can say is plain as day,
But the night impairs your sight.
I'm trapped inside this fog,
With no way to wrong or right.
I could be gone so fast,
I know you never knew.
The only thing you'd feel
Is my cold shoulder pushing past you.

I said I'd make dinner.
I'm tired of listening to your incoherent swearing all the time.
You're making everyone miserable.

Poopoh.

: (


That's the best way I can put it.



Wait wait. No, I can do better.
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :D :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(


So much sad. But what do you see?

Sad.
Happy.
Depression.
Mania.
.. Depression.

This isn't a joke.

But, no one will take me seriously.
I wouldn't take me seriously either.
It's just sad.

The ocean engulfs me,
I swear I try, I can't breath.

I'm just so sad. Thats all I am. I'm so trapped. I can't even talk to anyone. Because right now, whoever you are, you're assuming I'm being dramatic.
And now probably even more.
I just feel like no one takes me seriously.
So even if someone will listen, they don't care.
Idk., Whatever. I know a lot of people have it a lot worse.
lasjkljkljglakjgkljakljgklakldgklalkdglkjaldgkjkladklgklajkldgklalkgklja.
I don't know what to say.
I just wish I had someone to talk to when I felt like this.

What am I doing wrong?

No one will answer me, I know.
I don't think I'd even ask anyone because I'd be scared they'd tell me.

I just feel like no one but.. Sam. Haha. Really cares about me lately.
I'm pretty sure its confirmed that Val just needed me when she didn't have alisa.
Now she has alisa.
Emily just needs me when she don't have Taylor and, she will never get rid of Taylor even then she's so mean to her.. I'm so nice to her.
But, I'm not even second best. I'm like, 6th best.. Or something. I do so much for her. Its never appreciated.
And idk about anyone else. Everyone in the world needs someone to care but no one can return it. Its so stupid.

Quotes from Obama.

*"I ceased to advertise my mother's race at the age of 12 or 13, when I began to suspect that by doing so I was ingratiating myself to whites.
"

This is an accurate quote from the introduction to Dreams from My Father. The book chronicles Obama's experience as the son of an African father and an American mother.



*"There was something about him that made me wary, a little too sure of himself, maybe. And white.
"-
This is a quote from Dreams from My Father. It it in a section in which Obama describes a job interview with a man in Chicago. Race had been a part of their discussion and the full quote is, "There was something about him that made me wary, a little too sure of himself, maybe. And white---he'd said himself that was a problem.
"


*It remained necessary to prove which side you were on, to show your loyalty to the black masses, to strike out and name names.
"
This one is also from Dreams from My Father. It is from a section when Obama was a college student and wrestling with his identity including as an African-American. The quote describes his observation of what was required among his fellow students.


*"I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa, that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself, the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, Dubois and Mandela.
"-

This is from Dreams from my Father. The more complete quote is, ""Yes, I’d seen weakness in other men— Gramps and his disappointments, Lolo and his compromise. But these men had become object lessons for me, men I might love but never emulate, white men and brown men whose fates didn’t speak to my own. It was into my father’s image, the black man, son of Africa, that I’d packed all the attributes I sought in myself, the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois and Mandela.
"

Beauty in the breakdown.

I try to fuck things up.
I think I'm addicted to breaking down.


Is there some sort of beauty I see in the breakdown?

"Cause..
I feel so mad.
I feel so angry.
I feel so careless, so lost, confused.. a mess.
I feel so cheap
So, used, unfaithful
Let's start over..

Lets start over.

Sometimes.
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for how people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world for you and me."
-Box Car Racer

What a bitter sweet feeling.
You're the first to walk away.
I can see your eyes wander around.
You can keep your words,
You never sent your love.

What a bitter sweet feeling.
You're the second to walk away.
I can hear the seconds tick by.
You can keep your calls,
You never sent your love.

What a bitter sweet feeling.
You're the third to walk away.
I can feel our blood turn to water.
You can keep your hugs,
You never sent your love.

What a bitter sweet feeling.
I'm the last to walk away.
I can touch my reflection through the mirror.
I'll keep my mask,
I never sent my love.

I've come to realize,
life is going to be hard.
I've come to realize,
no matter what I do that will be true.
I've come to realize,
I'm not a person who will ever have stuff easily.
I've come to realize,
true friends really are impossible to come by.
I've come to realize,
I care way to much about everyone for my own good.
I've come to realize,
A lot of people consider me an option while I consider them a priority.
I've come to realize,
I can't really rely on anyone.
No matter what you say.
No matter if you say I can call you.
I could call you.
You couldn't answer.
I've come to realize,
God is even hard to rely on.
I've come to realize,
I'm very much so in a depression..
I've come to realize, blogging doesn't really help.
I've come to realize,
it's the best I've got.

I'm so sick of fake smiles.
I'm so sick of false friendship.



I'm so mad at life.

I feel bad.

I hate letting people down.
Gah.
He doesn't even know I'm letting him down.
I think thats the worst part.
I just hope he listens to the messages before he gets here.
Blah. : (
Idk.
I just worry too much.


On the plus side, I get to see Heath today.
And go to church.
So it wont be hard to put a smile on.



I just feel really bad, right now.

Really sad dream.

No one is awake to tell...
I'm really tired.
But here's what happened.
I was at sam's house and it was huge.
But, someone called for like, a world conference so we all went to some country.
Everyone in the world.
It wasn't that crowded.
Most of the teenagers just got to chill out.
I stayed with Sam's family.
But then war broke out.
People started killing other people.
But most people just got really hurt..
It was sad. And hard to watch.
I didn't get hurt at all.
Neither did Sam.
We had to come back to america on like.. idk how to explain it.
They were basically golf karts. I forget how to spell that. Wow. Whatev.
Small ones.. without seats or anything.
Just a flat peace on plasitc on wheels with a covering.
And we have to push them with snow shovels..
We got back to Sam's house and I was looking for Jake and Mom,.
When I saw Jake he was all bandaged and only the really hurt people were bandaged..
So I went to get him cause he could hardly walk...
And I picked him up after a couple tries.
He opened his eyes.
So I said "I love you."
He said "I.."
I again said "I love you.."
And he replied "I love you. I don't feel good, Rache."
I was so sad. That was the worst part of the dream..
I said, "are you hurting? or just getting sick?"
He said he was hurting..
And I just said "Lets go find mom.."
Then I made myself wake up.


I'm scared to go back to sleep.
But, I'm beyond tired..

Home sick, suckas.

And it feels awesome to not be responsible.
Also, we have no school tomorrow.
This is very great.
I'm gonna go on a twilight reading marathon.
: D
After my eat my blueberry waffle- scrambled egg- sandwich.


Its actually really good.

Failed.

My permit test.
Second time I missed 4.
I thought I was going to do good.
I thought it was EASY.
Apparently not easy enough.
The guy at the DMV was nice, though..


Idk.
I know its ridiculous, you just can't understand how I feel about it.

Atleast tomorrow is my last day of school this week.


I shouldn't go..

ASDKJHGJKD

Why does everyone drink?
WHY AM I SO AGAINST IT?
Seriously.
It makes me so anxious.
Sam used to be straightedge! Or whatever. I hate walking into his room to see this empty beer bottles. I hate that whenever he's with Tom and Howie he's drinking.
I HATE DRINKING.
So bad.
If I could kill one person, I would kill alcohol.
Why do I hate it so?

I'm so pissed at the world.
I don't think I'll ever get over my aversion to alcohol.
I'll be having panic attacks at my wedding because they want me to drink champagne.
aslgkjakljgkljakljgkljaklj.


Fix me.

I know if I started to drink again, I would feel better about other people doing it. Its just that I try so hard not to want to drink. Maybe that's why I freak out around it. Cause I want it. And I can't want it. Cause if I want it, I'll get it. If I get it, I'll get more.. And I'll be just like mom.

Also, I find myself depressed when I put my book down because I am not in it.
This is an unhealthy obsession.
PLUS, .. Its just unhealthy that I want so badly to be in unreality.

Oh, Irony.

The smell of your voice is so ironic.

I'm. So. Sick. Of. People.
I'm. So. Mad. At. People.
I'm. So. Sad. At. People.

What. Is. Even. The. Point. Of. This. Blog?

I.d.k,Rachel.

It. Just. Feels. Good. To. Talk.
And say everything you want. Cause, if you're getting annoying to anyone- It's their own fault.
They shouldn't be reading your blog.

I've never felt so alone.
And, I, I've never felt so alive.

One of those statements is so false. Sometimes, I pretend I'm dead. Okay, I know it sounds so dumb and classic emo. But, if you ignore life for long enough that you're numb to it, it gets kinda comfortable. It gets a lot comfortable.

Sam thinks I'm a push over. Sam see a lot of stuff in me I don't. He cares enough to pay attention.

But, I get mad at him a lot of the time, too. He's way too human.

I'm so sick of life.
I'm so sick of crying.
I'm so sick of having no one to cry to.
I'm so sick of posting way too many blogs.
I'm so sick of stress.
I'm so sick of trying to find my way.
I'm so sick of the world.
"So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
Willing and ready to prove the worst of everything you said about.
So obviously desperate, so desperately obvious."

I wish I wrote this.

I can't sleep at night because I feel that there is so much to do and fix and change in the world, and I wonder every day if I am making a difference and if I will ever express the greatness within me, or if I will remain forever paralyzed by muddled madness inside my head. I've wept on every birthday I've ever had because life is huge and fleeting and I hate certain people and certain shoes and I feel that life is terribly unfair and sometimes beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary but also numbing and horrifying and insurmountable and I hate myself a lot of the time. The rest of the time I adore myself and I adore my life in this city and in this world we live in. This huge and wondrous, bewildering, brilliant, horrible world.

Love. Is it the movement? I wish.

Lance Nelson: You're the kind of person who could convince someone to keep from pulling the trigger, or jumping from the ledge.
Lance Nelson: Oh fuck...
Lance Nelson: Fuck. I'm sorry I said that



I stopped him.


I should be proud.


I literally, sat on the ledge of the top of a parking garage.. And trusted him not to take me with him. Trusted God to help me.



I love people so sincerely.

"All the books you started reading, all the boys you started seeing, every half completed sentiment that you always meant to say gets stuck inside a memory like a miracle unfinished and you only feel like going back to where there's no place to stay."

I'm upset.

You can taste the irony in my blood,
The battles fought, the battles won.
All the smiles flashed,
you never could.
All the moments given,
I never should.
The scars I suffer,
I leave in my shadow.
But, facing this battle,
I am hallow.

"I need something to believe in
cuz I don’t believe in my self

I'm sick and tired of getting no where
guess it’ll all work out

And I don’t mind any more
and I don’t mind any more

And I need someone to put my trust in
cuz I aint trusting my self

And I'm scared of failure, so scared of success
guess it’ll all work out

And I don’t mind any more
and I don’t mind any more

Ooohhhhhhh yeah

And I don’t mind any more
and I don’t mind any more"
Newton Faulkner is amazing. You should check him out.



"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before and people continue to disappoint them."
Thats so true.


I cleanedmy room for no reason. Thats when you know I'm out of control.
I wish I was stronger.

So exciting.

I'm gonna try to graduate this year!
I'm gonna do ANYTHING I CAN.
I can go to college next friggin year!
AHhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I think way too much. About everything.
I'm way too naive.
Blah.

I ran 8 laps of the basketball court field (the whole way around the play ground and everything). I also walked three laps.


Why do I feel the need to talk about everything, too?

Oh the things I hate about Rachel.

I'm..

Feeling kinda shabby.

Here and now;
I sit in a room. Its cold. Its about 9x7. The room is painted black. So is every inch of my back, minus the target I always seem to miss.
So, one wall has a window. But, when I look out it I don't see outside.
I see another room.
This room is painted white.
When I look through the window I only feel more remorse.
Why?
I was there only a couple hours ago.
I wanted to stay there.
I don't know what happened- nothing happened..
But here I sit in my black room.
The white room seems so far away..
I can't remember how to get back in there..
I don't even remember how it felt to be there.
All the memories seem like photographs, ones taken by a stranger.

But- I catch a glimpse of the phone in the corner.
Its black, too. But, it kinda glows.
Its easy to reach out to.
Easy to dial the number.
I do it hastily..
You picked up.
I just don't think you could really listen.
I know you heard me.
I hate it when you hear me, kinda.
Because, no matter how clearly I come in.
I don't think you can listen...

So, I'll go back to my chair in the middle of the room.

I don't even want to try to get out anymore.
I give up on calling out.

I'm bored.

So, Sam was talking to me about this idea his dad came up with.
Get this, do you know how microwaves were invented?
Some people, sat chicken or something to that affect in front of radio towers, or something to that affect.
They realized the meat would heat up.
And that's how microwaves were invented.
How many towers do we have like that now?
So many.
Global Warming?
Seriously.
Now, another weird thing, they try to kill cancer with radiation.
Isn't radiation being given off with the towers?
Do they cause cancer too?
Idk. Just a weird think to think about.
Kinda scary as well.

Listen to this.

I've been dying of a "cold". Find out today is allergies.
To pine.
In which Duke was burning. :(
Mommy got me benidryl.
So I hope it helps.

I've been really happy.
I had an amazing weekend.



I miss everyone.

Long day.

Sam says I'm a lot like my mom.
Congrats, Heath and Ryan; you were right.
But, I don't think I really mind.
I know I'm still unique.



All I have to do is tell Sam when anything is bothering me. I don't have to hold it in get all depressed. I just have to say something and its finee.
I had a good night.
I'm so glad its the weeked.
Sick of school already.

I love you.

:/

Don't go home..

1/180.

School today.
So, people finally started to separate into those little groups everyone tells us about.
I liked being friends with everyone.
I don't think I have a group. :\
Oh well.

I don't want to be a psychologist anymore. I hate how everything has to be broken into a science. I mean, like, math. How did those formulas come about? I know, people invented them and now they're fact. But, why? Math doesn't even really exist. Nope. Numbers are made up too..
Everyone just needed to find a way to describe everything.
And thats dumb.
And that is why I know going to college for being a psychologist would drive me crazy.
Idk what I want to be. :( I'd love to work with animals.
But, I want to make a decent amount of money.
So, I can have a big family and a farm in Australia.
I'd also like to be a teacher, but then again, I'd have to teach kids things that I don't think should even be there!
Gah.
Maybe I'll just play it safe, and be a manager of a store.
Or a dentist.
Or a registered nurse...
IDK.
How come now, that I need to know all this, I don't?
Whatever.
I'm gonna take a nap.

Dear life;

I don't know about you. Not right now.
Sincerely,
Rachel.

Post Script

Its just a shirt,
GROW UP.
I already feel like shit.

This room-

Its cold.
Its dark.
Its damp.
And I'm so lost.
I've built my own flashlight and I'm still trying to find my own way.
While I try to push my loved ones my own way.
This makes me lose my trail.
This puts them on a trail they don't belong on.
I wish I could just flip the switch.
I would find my way through this room in my life,
And so would everyone I love.
But, I know He's not ready.
He knows how everything will be.
I trust Him to guide me.
I just wish I could know where He is taking me..

Two way mirror?

Round 3. Million..

Mom said I could move out, I think.
She just said she doesn't think I could make it.
It almost makes me want to do it.
But, I don't think I could ever hurt her that much.
Even if she hurts me almost eveyday. Even if she thinks less of me than anyone in the world.
Even if she can't see passed who I used to be.
Even though I try so hard to make her proud, and it never gets through to her.
I'm still a kid.
I'm still the girl I was 8 years ago.


I'm ready to grow up.
Ready for her to grow up.

All around.

Am I just another song in your book?
Or proof those second chances were never meant to be took?
I trusted once, I trusted twice.
Some where in the middle I lost some life.
When I'm feeling low, I'm feeling down.
And I continue to kick myself around,

... And around.

I'm sinking... Again.

The further I fall.

The higher I fly.
I swear I'm bipolar. I swear.

I'm used to beng so strong. I've never felt so out of control.
I'm falling apart at the seams.

"If I knew I had the tears, I'd cry for seven years." -Sam.
Ironic, because, the drive to here is 7 hours.

But, I'm gonna be home tomorrow.
Soooo, yay!!! :D

Shutting down.

Giving up.
I don't have the strength.
I'm shutting down.
Shutting off.
Giving up.
Why is it so hard to ask Him for the strength?
I'm down.
I'm so out of it.
I'm so done
So ready to be done.

I'm

So young, so old.
With each day I hold
A new spot in this book.
With each day,
A new page.
A clean slate.
Will my words pollute the blankness?
Will they dance across the sheet?
How will I wake up in these sheets?
How will I wake today?
Or tomorrow?
Will I wake completely different?
Exactly the same?
Progress?
Will regression show?
I fall across this life like snow.
With no grace to show..
I wonder, how old?
How young am I?
And how right?
How wrong am I?
Maybe tomorrow, I'll know.
Maybe I'll find myself next fall.

I could wish for it all..
I just wish, I don't need anything at all.

I hate here.

Hate it.
I can't believe I'm here until sunday.
Friday if I'm extremely lucky.
I can't believe I have to move here.
But, I guess I'm just gonna have to try to make the best of a crappy situation.
I know I can.
Its just hard.
So hard.
I'm in love with all my friends.
And I have to say goodbye.

Going down.

I haven’t left.

But, my face can’t hold its place in your mind.

Each step I take,

Every proof of my path,

Is being erased before I can look back.

.................................................................................

I’ll keep going with one foot in front of the other

And I never said I wouldn’t leave without a fight.

I’m leaving with this muted scream

I see life moving away from the light

And a lot of things seem a lot colder.

It’s been a long day and it could never be long enough

I’m so silently shaken.

And I can’t stand to lose this touch.

With each minute we take another mile

And with each mile I wait a little while

The more I’m waiting the more I’m losing

And I know I’ve got so much to lose.

My thoughts building up in my head

They erupt in my eyes and spill down my cheeks

Everyday it’s more, the days turn to weeks.

I’ve got more than I would have ever taken.

All these words lie in a pile, forsaken.

............................................................................
What a way to start out. What a way to begin.
I'm scared. One bad day after another.
I'm depressed.
And I've seen sinking ships go down with more grace than me.
Bah.

What would you do?

If you were in the situation I've been putting myself through?

Idk.
What if everyone does forget me when I leave?
I guess they probably will....

And I love the way you shake your ass.

What? o.0

I'm living at Emily's house again. :) Its comfortable. My mom makes me sick. Like, scared sick.
Not healthy. Whatever.
I love Carol. I named my fetus after her.
i love...

Sam. :) He's really nice. He makes me happy. We're moving to Australia. With Howie.
Idc if I'm 6. :)
"/ Awe.. Thats cute.

sam makes my fetus kick in the best way.

I don't actually have a fetus. :) Wutus! ahh. bad. Haha.
Okay. sam was just helping me blog.
Goodnight.
Its only 8 50.

Hi.

I'm ready to blog again. I got mad before. I felt like I had to watch what I was saying. And thats no fun for me. It defeats the purpose of a blog.

-Whats real? Seriously. Everything we believe to be "normal" is because our world developed that way. I guess, God did help the process along. Its just weird to think about. Who has the power to say what is crazy? Who can say what is sane? Maybe the person who defined sane really was crazy.. Maybe the "crazy" people are actually "sane". Maybe crazy and sane don't even exist. We've invented everything..
Everything that goes on is worldly. Everything.
Any idea you have, and philosophy, is probably worldly.
Idk, I don't know if what I'm saying is clear.
But, I know what I mean.
What is real? When we get to Heaven, or Hell, .. It'll be so different. So different there wont even be a comparison.
I'm so curious.