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Why does everyone drink?
WHY AM I SO AGAINST IT?
Seriously.
It makes me so anxious.
Sam used to be straightedge! Or whatever. I hate walking into his room to see this empty beer bottles. I hate that whenever he's with Tom and Howie he's drinking.
I HATE DRINKING.
So bad.
If I could kill one person, I would kill alcohol.
Why do I hate it so?

I'm so pissed at the world.
I don't think I'll ever get over my aversion to alcohol.
I'll be having panic attacks at my wedding because they want me to drink champagne.
aslgkjakljgkljakljgkljaklj.


Fix me.

I know if I started to drink again, I would feel better about other people doing it. Its just that I try so hard not to want to drink. Maybe that's why I freak out around it. Cause I want it. And I can't want it. Cause if I want it, I'll get it. If I get it, I'll get more.. And I'll be just like mom.

Also, I find myself depressed when I put my book down because I am not in it.
This is an unhealthy obsession.
PLUS, .. Its just unhealthy that I want so badly to be in unreality.

Oh, Irony.

The smell of your voice is so ironic.

I'm. So. Sick. Of. People.
I'm. So. Mad. At. People.
I'm. So. Sad. At. People.

What. Is. Even. The. Point. Of. This. Blog?

I.d.k,Rachel.

It. Just. Feels. Good. To. Talk.
And say everything you want. Cause, if you're getting annoying to anyone- It's their own fault.
They shouldn't be reading your blog.

I've never felt so alone.
And, I, I've never felt so alive.

One of those statements is so false. Sometimes, I pretend I'm dead. Okay, I know it sounds so dumb and classic emo. But, if you ignore life for long enough that you're numb to it, it gets kinda comfortable. It gets a lot comfortable.

Sam thinks I'm a push over. Sam see a lot of stuff in me I don't. He cares enough to pay attention.

But, I get mad at him a lot of the time, too. He's way too human.

I'm so sick of life.
I'm so sick of crying.
I'm so sick of having no one to cry to.
I'm so sick of posting way too many blogs.
I'm so sick of stress.
I'm so sick of trying to find my way.
I'm so sick of the world.
"So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
Willing and ready to prove the worst of everything you said about.
So obviously desperate, so desperately obvious."

I wish I wrote this.

I can't sleep at night because I feel that there is so much to do and fix and change in the world, and I wonder every day if I am making a difference and if I will ever express the greatness within me, or if I will remain forever paralyzed by muddled madness inside my head. I've wept on every birthday I've ever had because life is huge and fleeting and I hate certain people and certain shoes and I feel that life is terribly unfair and sometimes beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary but also numbing and horrifying and insurmountable and I hate myself a lot of the time. The rest of the time I adore myself and I adore my life in this city and in this world we live in. This huge and wondrous, bewildering, brilliant, horrible world.

Love. Is it the movement? I wish.

Lance Nelson: You're the kind of person who could convince someone to keep from pulling the trigger, or jumping from the ledge.
Lance Nelson: Oh fuck...
Lance Nelson: Fuck. I'm sorry I said that



I stopped him.


I should be proud.


I literally, sat on the ledge of the top of a parking garage.. And trusted him not to take me with him. Trusted God to help me.



I love people so sincerely.

"All the books you started reading, all the boys you started seeing, every half completed sentiment that you always meant to say gets stuck inside a memory like a miracle unfinished and you only feel like going back to where there's no place to stay."

I'm upset.

You can taste the irony in my blood,
The battles fought, the battles won.
All the smiles flashed,
you never could.
All the moments given,
I never should.
The scars I suffer,
I leave in my shadow.
But, facing this battle,
I am hallow.

"I need something to believe in
cuz I don’t believe in my self

I'm sick and tired of getting no where
guess it’ll all work out

And I don’t mind any more
and I don’t mind any more

And I need someone to put my trust in
cuz I aint trusting my self

And I'm scared of failure, so scared of success
guess it’ll all work out

And I don’t mind any more
and I don’t mind any more

Ooohhhhhhh yeah

And I don’t mind any more
and I don’t mind any more"
Newton Faulkner is amazing. You should check him out.



"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before and people continue to disappoint them."
Thats so true.


I cleanedmy room for no reason. Thats when you know I'm out of control.
I wish I was stronger.

So exciting.

I'm gonna try to graduate this year!
I'm gonna do ANYTHING I CAN.
I can go to college next friggin year!
AHhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I think way too much. About everything.
I'm way too naive.
Blah.

I ran 8 laps of the basketball court field (the whole way around the play ground and everything). I also walked three laps.


Why do I feel the need to talk about everything, too?

Oh the things I hate about Rachel.

I'm..

Feeling kinda shabby.

Here and now;
I sit in a room. Its cold. Its about 9x7. The room is painted black. So is every inch of my back, minus the target I always seem to miss.
So, one wall has a window. But, when I look out it I don't see outside.
I see another room.
This room is painted white.
When I look through the window I only feel more remorse.
Why?
I was there only a couple hours ago.
I wanted to stay there.
I don't know what happened- nothing happened..
But here I sit in my black room.
The white room seems so far away..
I can't remember how to get back in there..
I don't even remember how it felt to be there.
All the memories seem like photographs, ones taken by a stranger.

But- I catch a glimpse of the phone in the corner.
Its black, too. But, it kinda glows.
Its easy to reach out to.
Easy to dial the number.
I do it hastily..
You picked up.
I just don't think you could really listen.
I know you heard me.
I hate it when you hear me, kinda.
Because, no matter how clearly I come in.
I don't think you can listen...

So, I'll go back to my chair in the middle of the room.

I don't even want to try to get out anymore.
I give up on calling out.

I'm bored.

So, Sam was talking to me about this idea his dad came up with.
Get this, do you know how microwaves were invented?
Some people, sat chicken or something to that affect in front of radio towers, or something to that affect.
They realized the meat would heat up.
And that's how microwaves were invented.
How many towers do we have like that now?
So many.
Global Warming?
Seriously.
Now, another weird thing, they try to kill cancer with radiation.
Isn't radiation being given off with the towers?
Do they cause cancer too?
Idk. Just a weird think to think about.
Kinda scary as well.

Listen to this.

I've been dying of a "cold". Find out today is allergies.
To pine.
In which Duke was burning. :(
Mommy got me benidryl.
So I hope it helps.

I've been really happy.
I had an amazing weekend.



I miss everyone.

Long day.

Sam says I'm a lot like my mom.
Congrats, Heath and Ryan; you were right.
But, I don't think I really mind.
I know I'm still unique.



All I have to do is tell Sam when anything is bothering me. I don't have to hold it in get all depressed. I just have to say something and its finee.
I had a good night.
I'm so glad its the weeked.
Sick of school already.

I love you.

:/

Don't go home..

1/180.

School today.
So, people finally started to separate into those little groups everyone tells us about.
I liked being friends with everyone.
I don't think I have a group. :\
Oh well.

I don't want to be a psychologist anymore. I hate how everything has to be broken into a science. I mean, like, math. How did those formulas come about? I know, people invented them and now they're fact. But, why? Math doesn't even really exist. Nope. Numbers are made up too..
Everyone just needed to find a way to describe everything.
And thats dumb.
And that is why I know going to college for being a psychologist would drive me crazy.
Idk what I want to be. :( I'd love to work with animals.
But, I want to make a decent amount of money.
So, I can have a big family and a farm in Australia.
I'd also like to be a teacher, but then again, I'd have to teach kids things that I don't think should even be there!
Gah.
Maybe I'll just play it safe, and be a manager of a store.
Or a dentist.
Or a registered nurse...
IDK.
How come now, that I need to know all this, I don't?
Whatever.
I'm gonna take a nap.