Scream so you know I feel like shit.
And say all the things,
just so they all hit.

Once you've said it all.
And I've got nothing left.
Come back for more.
Is stealing my sole;
Under grand theft?

There is no way for you
To see through these walls,
If you think you get it,
I hope you think again.
If you're in here, you know-
There's nothing you can gain.

Its a constant depression.
And everyone will fall.
But, one person adds to another
And the little boy stays neutral.

Underestimate my words,
Disregard me as disrespect.
But, I know my feelings.
I know these walls.
I cry these calls.

You could never see through me.
You could never know what to see.

Count to ten.

1. Loose my history paper I'm allowed to use on the test.
2. Girl things.
3. Dean a ninth grader! throws hand sanitizer in my hair.. He's such a bully.
4. Bell rings for 8th period while I'm peeing.
5. Mom had a bad day.
6. Mom and I don't get along a DMV.


Finally got my permit. 100% on the test.

7. Mom wont let me drive!
8. Mom lets me drive and FREAKS OUT.
9. Windi sends mom a not so friendly letter.
10. Water spills all over me while driving.


First day of work on saturday.


I'm growing uppp!


Every reflection's the same.

Is all I can write about puddles and walks?


I don't know the blocks,
or how they attach to one another.
I can't form these lines,
I can't put them together.
All I can say is plain as day,
But the night impairs your sight.
I'm trapped inside this fog,
With no way to wrong or right.
I could be gone so fast,
I know you never knew.
The only thing you'd feel
Is my cold shoulder pushing past you.

I said I'd make dinner.
I'm tired of listening to your incoherent swearing all the time.
You're making everyone miserable.

Poopoh.

: (


That's the best way I can put it.



Wait wait. No, I can do better.
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :D :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(


So much sad. But what do you see?

Sad.
Happy.
Depression.
Mania.
.. Depression.

This isn't a joke.

But, no one will take me seriously.
I wouldn't take me seriously either.
It's just sad.

The ocean engulfs me,
I swear I try, I can't breath.

I'm just so sad. Thats all I am. I'm so trapped. I can't even talk to anyone. Because right now, whoever you are, you're assuming I'm being dramatic.
And now probably even more.
I just feel like no one takes me seriously.
So even if someone will listen, they don't care.
Idk., Whatever. I know a lot of people have it a lot worse.
lasjkljkljglakjgkljakljgklakldgklalkdglkjaldgkjkladklgklajkldgklalkgklja.
I don't know what to say.
I just wish I had someone to talk to when I felt like this.

What am I doing wrong?

No one will answer me, I know.
I don't think I'd even ask anyone because I'd be scared they'd tell me.

I just feel like no one but.. Sam. Haha. Really cares about me lately.
I'm pretty sure its confirmed that Val just needed me when she didn't have alisa.
Now she has alisa.
Emily just needs me when she don't have Taylor and, she will never get rid of Taylor even then she's so mean to her.. I'm so nice to her.
But, I'm not even second best. I'm like, 6th best.. Or something. I do so much for her. Its never appreciated.
And idk about anyone else. Everyone in the world needs someone to care but no one can return it. Its so stupid.

Quotes from Obama.

*"I ceased to advertise my mother's race at the age of 12 or 13, when I began to suspect that by doing so I was ingratiating myself to whites.
"

This is an accurate quote from the introduction to Dreams from My Father. The book chronicles Obama's experience as the son of an African father and an American mother.



*"There was something about him that made me wary, a little too sure of himself, maybe. And white.
"-
This is a quote from Dreams from My Father. It it in a section in which Obama describes a job interview with a man in Chicago. Race had been a part of their discussion and the full quote is, "There was something about him that made me wary, a little too sure of himself, maybe. And white---he'd said himself that was a problem.
"


*It remained necessary to prove which side you were on, to show your loyalty to the black masses, to strike out and name names.
"
This one is also from Dreams from My Father. It is from a section when Obama was a college student and wrestling with his identity including as an African-American. The quote describes his observation of what was required among his fellow students.


*"I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa, that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself, the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, Dubois and Mandela.
"-

This is from Dreams from my Father. The more complete quote is, ""Yes, I’d seen weakness in other men— Gramps and his disappointments, Lolo and his compromise. But these men had become object lessons for me, men I might love but never emulate, white men and brown men whose fates didn’t speak to my own. It was into my father’s image, the black man, son of Africa, that I’d packed all the attributes I sought in myself, the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois and Mandela.
"

Beauty in the breakdown.

I try to fuck things up.
I think I'm addicted to breaking down.


Is there some sort of beauty I see in the breakdown?

"Cause..
I feel so mad.
I feel so angry.
I feel so careless, so lost, confused.. a mess.
I feel so cheap
So, used, unfaithful
Let's start over..

Lets start over.

Sometimes.
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for how people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world for you and me."
-Box Car Racer

What a bitter sweet feeling.
You're the first to walk away.
I can see your eyes wander around.
You can keep your words,
You never sent your love.

What a bitter sweet feeling.
You're the second to walk away.
I can hear the seconds tick by.
You can keep your calls,
You never sent your love.

What a bitter sweet feeling.
You're the third to walk away.
I can feel our blood turn to water.
You can keep your hugs,
You never sent your love.

What a bitter sweet feeling.
I'm the last to walk away.
I can touch my reflection through the mirror.
I'll keep my mask,
I never sent my love.

I've come to realize,
life is going to be hard.
I've come to realize,
no matter what I do that will be true.
I've come to realize,
I'm not a person who will ever have stuff easily.
I've come to realize,
true friends really are impossible to come by.
I've come to realize,
I care way to much about everyone for my own good.
I've come to realize,
A lot of people consider me an option while I consider them a priority.
I've come to realize,
I can't really rely on anyone.
No matter what you say.
No matter if you say I can call you.
I could call you.
You couldn't answer.
I've come to realize,
God is even hard to rely on.
I've come to realize,
I'm very much so in a depression..
I've come to realize, blogging doesn't really help.
I've come to realize,
it's the best I've got.

I'm so sick of fake smiles.
I'm so sick of false friendship.



I'm so mad at life.

I feel bad.

I hate letting people down.
Gah.
He doesn't even know I'm letting him down.
I think thats the worst part.
I just hope he listens to the messages before he gets here.
Blah. : (
Idk.
I just worry too much.


On the plus side, I get to see Heath today.
And go to church.
So it wont be hard to put a smile on.



I just feel really bad, right now.

Really sad dream.

No one is awake to tell...
I'm really tired.
But here's what happened.
I was at sam's house and it was huge.
But, someone called for like, a world conference so we all went to some country.
Everyone in the world.
It wasn't that crowded.
Most of the teenagers just got to chill out.
I stayed with Sam's family.
But then war broke out.
People started killing other people.
But most people just got really hurt..
It was sad. And hard to watch.
I didn't get hurt at all.
Neither did Sam.
We had to come back to america on like.. idk how to explain it.
They were basically golf karts. I forget how to spell that. Wow. Whatev.
Small ones.. without seats or anything.
Just a flat peace on plasitc on wheels with a covering.
And we have to push them with snow shovels..
We got back to Sam's house and I was looking for Jake and Mom,.
When I saw Jake he was all bandaged and only the really hurt people were bandaged..
So I went to get him cause he could hardly walk...
And I picked him up after a couple tries.
He opened his eyes.
So I said "I love you."
He said "I.."
I again said "I love you.."
And he replied "I love you. I don't feel good, Rache."
I was so sad. That was the worst part of the dream..
I said, "are you hurting? or just getting sick?"
He said he was hurting..
And I just said "Lets go find mom.."
Then I made myself wake up.


I'm scared to go back to sleep.
But, I'm beyond tired..

Home sick, suckas.

And it feels awesome to not be responsible.
Also, we have no school tomorrow.
This is very great.
I'm gonna go on a twilight reading marathon.
: D
After my eat my blueberry waffle- scrambled egg- sandwich.


Its actually really good.

Failed.

My permit test.
Second time I missed 4.
I thought I was going to do good.
I thought it was EASY.
Apparently not easy enough.
The guy at the DMV was nice, though..


Idk.
I know its ridiculous, you just can't understand how I feel about it.

Atleast tomorrow is my last day of school this week.


I shouldn't go..