I want someone to hold me, and tell me sweet things.

But boys are poop. And I guess I'm doing the right thing by not liking them.

It just feels bad. I like being wanted.

I have trouble acting normal.



I really have been trouble being "me".. Though "me" isn't very "normal" it feels more normal than what I've been doing.

I feel very unstable. But I'm fixing it all up.

Weelllll;

I'm depressed. I've learned it has a very distinct feeling.. Well, duh, sadness. But, it's more than that. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Pray for me.

I hope this doesn't last long.

I feel like a zombie..

And when I'm around people I automatically try to cover it up, which is kinda good... But it really makes me so frustrated.

Love you.

I'm literally crying because I spilled milk.
I feel like something is seriously wrong with me.
I really feel like I'm crying over something else, I just don't know what.
I should know, I want to be able to control my emotions.


I've been putting on a front a lot more lately..
Which I think could be good.
But I'm afraid that's why I'm crying more.

I just want to stop whining, but I can't if I'm really upset, because I don't want to keep these things all locked up inside.
And Pastor Chase told us all we need to stop whining.
I want to..


Idk what to do.
I just want to do that right thing.




"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world." C.S. Lewis.

I'm very insecure, I'm not secure with myself at all. I think when most people think of insecure, they think of low self esteem. I don't believe I have low self esteem... I'm just not secure with myself. I've been trying to analyze myself.. So I can't kinda fix me.
Because I'm not secure with myself, I take forever to make sure I look my best, everyday. I hide behind my hair. And.. It also makes me very bad at making decisions, because I always doubt that I can make the right one. Every teenage girl wants to be skinnier.. Or wants to have a rounder butt, or bigger boobs or something dumb like that.. And I don't want to be like that. I thought I was fat when I weighed 112, and now, I weigh 117 and realize how stupid that was. If I ever feel like I'm fat now.. I try to remember that I thought I was fat back then.. And idk. It's hard to explain. Anyways, on friday, a kid told me I have a big butt.. And then he kept calling me fat. And I told Kareem about it. And he said I do have a big butt. And I told Jeremy about it... And he said I do have a big butt. I told you before about how I'm very insecure.. So. That didn't make me feel good.
Long story short, mom's going to get McDonalds. I told her I'm not hungry. I hate boys.

I feel like I have strep. AGAIN.
ALSKGJKLASDJGKLJADKLJKGLJ.
Something is not right in this situation.

I will follow you.

You are the source of the life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow you

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You.






I LOVE JESUS. So much. I just wrote about always feeling out of place. But tonight I found my place, under Jesus's arm, singing his praise. I feel so good right now, I hope it last. Tonight we talked bout being less normal.. Which I need to start doing. And "cleaning our house" which I needed to do. And we talked about not being babies.. Which I need to stop doing.


Wow. I love God.

Shell

I have an internal storm.
The floods are in my lungs.
They start to fill,
I start to fall.
I fall to the depths,
I retrace all my steps.
Try to recall my thoughts.
I don't even know who I am.
Don't tell me what I'm made of.
All you see is my shell,
This shell is my living hell.
I want to break free.
But, I fear that's all you want of me.

I realized today;
that I feel really out of place, and.. that I almost always do feel out of place. I guess everyone wants that feeling of belonging... But, I feel like most people find it. And I wonder if something is wrong with me.
I realized today;
that I'm not a very good person. I want to be.. But.. I'm weak. I'm dumb. I make bad decisions. I don't read the bible... I don't exercise like I should.. I'm not very original. I'm way too passive.. And I'm a brat. I complain way too much, because I need other people.. Though I claim I'm independent. I want so badly to be better.. And I some how still can't find the motivation.

Make me dance.

I'm SICK of being the puppet.

Clutter in my mind.

That breath that I'm so in love with.

This emotion is my slave,
Along with my mechanical wave..

The beat of my heart is mechanic?

You tell me I'm the light,
But I can feel every fight.

I feel like praise is a lie.

I feel the leak inside.
I keep the fault in mind.

I want to feel the warmth of another.

I'll push you away..
And keep your hand in mine.

Do coffin walls set you free?

I was told there's something I need,
They said I need some type of key..

I'm lonely...
Emily doesn't talk to me a lot anymore.. And I told her she was missed and she said she's just been busy.. But she's been on myspace for atleast an hour. And she hasn't gotten on AIM or anything. And that just makes me feel like she doesn't care. And... I want people to care. But... Oh well. Nothing I can do..

Today I was told I am an "intense" person. It made me happy. She told me she would have never expected me to have such an "intense" personality.. She's really cool too. She asked me to go to a dance class with her. Hip hop. On thursday, I'm excited.

I made dinner for the family. Chicken parm subs. : ) From scratch! Yeah. Well basically. I mean, I didn't use like chicken patties.
Also, I have a 97% in english and the class average is 77%. So, awesome.
Chorus concert on wednesday, we're sing Schubert's Mass In G. It's Latin. All in latin, pretty cool if you ask me. They're all about the arts here.
In art, I'm making an iron and ironing board out of packing tape! I'm almost done. They're AWESOME. For real.
My frien Kareem is coming over on saturday and I'm going to cook for him. It's valentines day. So he asked me to be his valentine. We're just friends, but it was nice.


I was tired of pouting.

Migraine. I was supposed to be better today. UHGG. It's just really making me mad. I'm tired of being sick. I'm sick of being tired.


I feel like people don't care about me today.
It's a yucky feeling.

STREP.
Bad strep.
Mom kept telling me I was getting better! I didn't feel like I was. Today my temp read 102.5. So we went to the doctor. When she looked at my throat she literally jumped and went "Wow! That looks terrible!" Hahah. She said she could seriously smell the strep.



So wowww. Hahaha. They gave me vicadin. : D :D :D I'll be able to sleep tonight!

I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. I'm trying to do everything right, but I can't. And I feel like I'm failing.

Charlottesville is really easy. I'm taking a lot of college classes next year. Speaking of failing. Hahahaha.

I'm so sick. My temp keeps going up then breaking. I feel like I'm going through menopause.. Not sure if I spelled that right. Sound it out.
I drank tea this morning! And it helped me swallow all the crap in my throat, no exaggeration, it tasted like I licked a dentist office floor. It was so gross.


Anyways, just pray for me. Haha.

Bad tonsil.

My left tonsil needs cut out. NOW. It hurts sooooo bad. But mom said it's not tonsillitis unless it hurts like this 3 or 4 times. It feels like it needs cut out now. : |

I'm going to winterfest this weekend. It sounds fun.


Cut out my tonsil?


Then I would get to miss school!

Just a little more love.

I feel pretty right now. My hair is not done, I just woke up from a nap. I'm wearing dirty clothes. But I really feel pretty.


Be strong. You can make it through anything.


"A Little's Enough" by Angels and Airwaves

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where everything is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home

To say I
I can do anything, If you want me here
And I can fix anything, If you'll let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with brightest eyes
Like turning water into wine
The children ran to see
Their parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The Earth itself then came alive

To say I,
I can do anything, If you want me here
And I can fix anything, If you'll let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough

(Instrumental)

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone, I noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough (Repeat)