If the people who were supposed to always love you, dont.
Then how is anyone ever supposed to truly love you just for the fun of it?

"Brackett, WI" -Bon Iver

An easy swing had it's time shouldered
Slow bending axe.
Now it's a photo framed.
The swing hasn't had it.

And here we are rebuilding roads
Right by roosting towns.
It's just like the love
The one that's never been enough.

So I'm counting on your fingers
Cause you've reattached the twitch
And if you want opinion,
I will die along the ditches.

And every summer is a hot token
To the cold, cold take of lust.
And every autumn singes
With the business of sadness.

Our friend had it wrong.
We sing "honey heaven burns".
Another curve in the counting:
His head is earning more.

So I'm counting on your fingers
Cause you've reattached the twitch
And if you want opinion,
I will die along the ditches.

I love having brothers, because they give me the most glimpses of belonging.
I always knew I related to people so easily, I always have so many things in common and now I'm starting to wonder if I push for that subconsciously to feel less like I don't belong?

After you learn how to swim, sinking is too hard.

It's easy to run when you're running from something.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqQTODR3kR8

I just feel like I don't exist. I am fucking nothing.

I remember being a kid and thinking everything would be better when I was 18. I could move out, and not feel the weight of this. I was more than right. Running away works. I've never considered myself a happy person, but when I was away I did. I didn't know what was up... because I came home and I wasn't anymore. I'm never coming back again.

3:54 AM.
I slept from about 8 until 10.
I can't sleep, but I'm still a dreamer.

I feel something is seriously wrong with me. I feel like everyone is being so mean to me... I'm just really starting to think it's in my head. And I don't know what to do. It hurt my feelings so bad, and I feel like everyone I cry to is getting so annoyed with me.

I have never felt like I meant less to my family.
Wisdom teeth out tomorrow.

I think the reason I love the ocean so much is because next to it all of my problems are so so so small.

Today, tonight.
I am so happy I could rant to you about anything and how happy it makes me. This feeling is so delightful. I wish I could always feel like this and I wonder does anyone? I highly doubt it. It's like I'm full of helium and at any moment I could float away.
I'm happy to have a best friend that makes me feel like I finally found my place in at least one persons life. Someone who finds all the good in me when it feels like everyone else wants to see all the bad. Having something like this, is something I wish for everyone in the entire world.
I love you.

I love blogging. I need to do it more. More more more. It just makes me feel so lame. What is my need to express myself so so so much? I honestly don't need anyone to be listening. Maybe I should switch to a private diary, but something about it being public makes it easier to say what I really mean. Because there is a reason, I guess? I will never understand.
I will never understand.
I will never understand.
I will never understand so many things. Everything? Gosh.
I have so much practice is expressing myself, BECAUSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME. DO YOU KNOW THAT? Sometimes I'm so fucking selfish. I don't know why. Maybe I think I owe it to myself? Maybe I think the world owes it to me?
I will never understand.
I guess something is going on inside me, that I will understand later. You know how middle school science teachers described gas molecules? Frantic. They go everywhere anywhere no where... and there is something inside me doing just that. Bouncing off all my walls and I can't contain it, so I can't get it out of me.
I'm all about being myself. Right now, I think I might just be using that as an excuse to be annoying. I feel like I bug everyone. And I'm not cool. I care so much about everything and that is NOT cool, let me tell you. I'm glad I am myself, but I don't really like myself. I wish I was happier, I wish I didn't over think, I wish I didn't make dumb jokes, I wish I wasn't an easy target, I wish it didn't make me cry when people made fun of me, I .. don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I want to be an indie film and I'm stuck at disney channel. That. is. The. Best. way. I. Can. Describe. It.
I envy those girls, the ones that are so fucking beautiful it hurts. Literally, makes me have to poop because I get so anxious wishing that when I was being myself, it was more like them. The girls with blue eyes, who are good dancers or singers, and everything is just beautiful about them all the time and usually they know it. I want to be that.
I can't be that though.
I can only be me.
I wish I could change who I was, but I know I can't change it that much without being a complete phoney. And I guess in the end, I'd rather be real than a wanna be.
I just hate that I talk so much, I need to listen more, I hate that I talk so fast and don't catch stupid things before I say them, I hate that I like chick flicks and chick books, and that I can't sing or do anything musical... I hate that I get annoyed with people and act like such a jerk, I hate that I cry over stupid things, I hate that I get depressed still.
I hate that I don't understand.

Sometimes I think it will never go away.

it's not the forever type of thing. it never is. we are told when we grasp the concept of "forever" that "nothing ever last forever".. and part of me thinks that we try to prove it wrong, all of us want to be the ones that saw the end of forever, and that's why it hurts so bad. we all set out on our voyages and we tell ourself, that if we tell ourselves enough that it's going to last forever, it will. we believe it, we see it happening, and we get let down. because we couldn't be the one to prove something could last forever.

There are a lot of things about me that you don't know about you.

I hate going to bed with mixed feelings in my belly. It's like going to bed after eating beets, and chocolate, and freshly brushed teeth. My body is never sure what to do with it. It feels like I hold them far too long before I let them go and I have so much trouble sorting them. One goes this way, and the other that way, but they are the same thing and they stay in the same place. And I stay in the same place, and I'd rather move. But I'm stuck. And I think this is how tornadoes start. I think I'm a hot spot for tornadoes. I'm made up of so many different extremes and it's all locked inside, and sometimes I let it fly out my mouth like a swarm of bees but I never even really know what I'm saying, and it goes all kinds of ways and the words spew all around and it's too late to cut and paste and no one knows what I said but they nod in agreement anyways. And thats when I know that it's still caught inside and I'm the only one that I can confide in. Because I can't even comprehend myself sometimes, so how will any one else? Hm. Maybe that's whats wrong lately, maybe I'm lonely. Or maybe I'm crazy. I have no clue. I want to put my pieces together all by myself, and soon. I want to sort through it all, but it's hard. I take one thought one way, and when I go back to the pile, I'm lost again and forget the way back to where I started the pile and it's all nonsense. And it still is even as I'm writing. But this is helping me make as much sense of the nonsense that can possibly be made. It's not enough.

wisdom tooth

I'd like to believe that most people grow up, and most things too. As trees grow up, their roots grow down. They mature as they become more deeply attached to the ground.
I've grow up, as most things do. I grew up, but I've grown down too. I've grown to realize I am nothing, and I am exactly what I want to be and you are you.
Wisdom grows up, but it's roots grow down too. It grows into my gums as it grows into a tooth. And breaks through the surface, as I hold on to my youth.

No, you didn't used to be scary. I just used to be scared.
I'm not sure when I became invincible, but I know I am now.

Wow, I'm really bummed out today.