I love blogging. I need to do it more. More more more. It just makes me feel so lame. What is my need to express myself so so so much? I honestly don't need anyone to be listening. Maybe I should switch to a private diary, but something about it being public makes it easier to say what I really mean. Because there is a reason, I guess? I will never understand.
I will never understand.
I will never understand.
I will never understand so many things. Everything? Gosh.
I have so much practice is expressing myself, BECAUSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME. DO YOU KNOW THAT? Sometimes I'm so fucking selfish. I don't know why. Maybe I think I owe it to myself? Maybe I think the world owes it to me?
I will never understand.
I guess something is going on inside me, that I will understand later. You know how middle school science teachers described gas molecules? Frantic. They go everywhere anywhere no where... and there is something inside me doing just that. Bouncing off all my walls and I can't contain it, so I can't get it out of me.
I'm all about being myself. Right now, I think I might just be using that as an excuse to be annoying. I feel like I bug everyone. And I'm not cool. I care so much about everything and that is NOT cool, let me tell you. I'm glad I am myself, but I don't really like myself. I wish I was happier, I wish I didn't over think, I wish I didn't make dumb jokes, I wish I wasn't an easy target, I wish it didn't make me cry when people made fun of me, I .. don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I want to be an indie film and I'm stuck at disney channel. That. is. The. Best. way. I. Can. Describe. It.
I envy those girls, the ones that are so fucking beautiful it hurts. Literally, makes me have to poop because I get so anxious wishing that when I was being myself, it was more like them. The girls with blue eyes, who are good dancers or singers, and everything is just beautiful about them all the time and usually they know it. I want to be that.
I can't be that though.
I can only be me.
I wish I could change who I was, but I know I can't change it that much without being a complete phoney. And I guess in the end, I'd rather be real than a wanna be.
I just hate that I talk so much, I need to listen more, I hate that I talk so fast and don't catch stupid things before I say them, I hate that I like chick flicks and chick books, and that I can't sing or do anything musical... I hate that I get annoyed with people and act like such a jerk, I hate that I cry over stupid things, I hate that I get depressed still.
I hate that I don't understand.