Going to cranberry today.
I think I'll be completely crazy and pretend I'm running away : )


I can't wait.

"And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older and see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened."
-Douglas Couplin


I'm missing dinner, but the thought of being around her makes it worth it. The thought of loosing some weight makes it worth it. Why do girls think it's attractive to have eating disorders? I don't have one. But like ones who advertise that they'll supposedly missed dinner on purpose or something lke that, that's annoying. Shallow minds are annoying. She said I'm always happy. That everyone in the family is sad, but I'm always happy. But I hardly ever feel happy. I guess that means I've trained myself to put this front on better than I thought. Which is kinda good. But I want hope. I want help. She yells. She doesn't care who gets hurt. I'm so hurt. I can't even repair. Because before I even get the chance she's yelling again and I have no idea how I forgived her for the last time... Then tomorrow he'll come home. And she'll yell more. But he ignores it.. And sometimes she makes him think we deserve it.. Then he feels bad.. She'll say sorry but it's not enough. It she was really sorry she wouldn't keep doing it. And after I get upset, she'll make me feel worse by getting biddy buddy with Jake and making fun of me.. And don't even think I'm exaggerating, or making shit up. Because you have NO fucking idea. It's not your place to assume.. And I'm sick of assumptions..

I'm so messed up.
I can't solve my own puzzle.
You have no chance to get the pieces.
You are the pieces that make me up.
My hearts too big,
and it shows.
I can't run,
I can't scream.
But I try with an aching voice.
Who's name to call?.....
I'm lost...
And I'm found but always truly lost.
Please don't care.
I swear it'll bring me to my knees.
But it's all I cry when I cry my needs.
I need the impulse.
It's all too easy.
And I try not to plan it..
But it's all too easy.
So I write, I write, I write..
I write and I cry.
I cry and pretend.
I fake a smile and fake a laugh.
I'm going over board.
I scream and I flinch.
But it's not enough.
So I love, I love, I love.
You can say that word,
But you don't know how it hurt...
I feel the word every where.
Don't you dare count my years,
I've been alive for a million tears.
Hoping has always got the best of me.
And scars are all that's left of me.
I pray you see the rest of me.

That felt good.

It's wearing me so far down. I wanna know when there'll be nothing left of me. Cause it's felt close for a while.

Complaining doesn't help.
Nothing does.
I'm tired of being helpless.
aklskljaksjfkl.

You can't rely on ANYTHING or ANYONE to make you feel alive.
So what am I supposed to rely on? Myself?
I have no trust in myself.
I have no trust in anyone anymore.



But yeah;
Motercycle Driveby - Third Eye Blind.
That's my song.
Listen to it.

Summer time and the wind is blowing, outside in lower chelsea.
And I dont know what Im doing in this city,
The sun is always in my eyes,
It crashes through the windows, and Im sleeping on the couch,
When I came to visit you,
Thats when I knew that I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still Im the one whos stupid
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you dont mind, you smile,
And say the world doesnt fit with you.
I dont believe you, youre so serene.
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt, youre guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,
And theres things Id like to do that you dont believe in,
I would like to build something, but youd never see it happen
And theres this burning, like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, and ive, Ive never been so alive,

And theres this burning, ah ha, there was this burning. aye yie yie

Wheres the soul. I want to know, new york citys evil.
The surface is everything, but I could never do that,
Someone would see through that.
And this is the last time, well be friends again.
And Ill get over you ,youll wonder, who I am.
And theres this burning, just like theres always been,
Ive never been so alone, alone, and ive, and ive, Ive never been so alive, so alive

I go home to the coast. it starts to rain, I paddle out on the water alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain. Im not thinking of you again,
Summer dies and swells rise, the sun goes down in my eyes, see this rolling wave, darkly coming to take me, home,
And I never been so alone, and Ive never been so alive.

_______________________________________________

Mk, my turn.




They say I have this burning in my soul,
But my thoughts are just turning my head.
That's all it ever was.
I see through me.
I see what I am.
The mirror is translucent.
But you have this faith in me,
Faith I'll never own.
I'm just going down.
I take the punches as they roll.
I take them but you never see me fall.
I have so many fears.
The frown on my face is my anesthetic.
The sadder I am, they less I fear.
Nothing can go wrong when you just don't care.
I over think, I talk too fast, I sink.
I laugh too much, I cry too much, I over analyze.
What I've come to fear are your lies.
They said a fire burns inside me,
I hardly feel it anymore.
I wonder if I lost it.
I'm burning down.

I am such a sucker, and I'm always the last to know.
My insides are copper, I'd kill to make them gold.
-"Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here)" by FOB

Lately it's become apparent that my siblings and I don't relate to people as well as most other people. I was wondering if maybe we're aliens, idk. : ) Something is wrong with us, I think what's wrong with us is really right. Because I really wish more people were like my siblings.

I don't understand why people are so mean. What is wrong with teenagers? I know I am one. But I also know I'm not your average catty teenage girl. Not at all. If I told me that, you'd be lying. And it would hurt me.

I want to meet people who will love me like how I love them. Life gets lonely.

I'm trying, I am. I swear to anything. But I can't find what I'm doing wrong. I think I've lost my mind. I feel like I'm trapped inside my head.

I can't get along with people. It. Doesn't. Make. Sense. I'm normally easy to get along with.

I feel like... I lose. Yep. I just lose. Hahah.

I need someone to get me though. I need someone to worry. I need someone to know when I say I'm fine, I'm really really not. I need someone to not let me pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I need someone to tell me it's okay to be weak. Idk why I can't just do that for myself. But I feel like I'm the only one that can.

I feel like writing a poem. BYE.

I'm having a rough week. And it's lasted a couple years. Hahahaha. Okay kidding.
This summer was good. I feel like that was the only time I was just happy. There was nothing but that.
I don't understand me. I'm so tired. Moving to a different high school is hard. I'm not good at being friends with girls. I made friends and they're cool. But they're horrible friends.
People are mean to me. I feel like people like me, but they really try to bring me down and that's effed up to the highest level. I try to boost everyone up. It's not cool.
I've heard of girls being like this.. I just, idk..
It's hard.
And I can't help but be burned when people say mean things to me.
But when people say nice things about me, nice sincere things, I usually cry.
I don't understand!
It's always lose lose.