This is beautiful. LISTEN TO IT.

It doesn't fit.

In the end, it's the "what if"'s that hurt the most. Like, what if things had gone a little differently? Me? I don't believe in fate. I believe we have more control then we think and every action has a reaction.
-Scrubs.

I really love that quote... I really agree with it.
Today, I saw a car crash. Mom thinks it was weird because we just sat in the parking lot for a little bit, for no reason.. And for some reason, I never urged her to hurry like I normally would. If we would have left 3 seconds earlier, it could have been us.
The weird thing about the crash is that, it didn't like.. fit. It just didn't. It didn't seem like it was supposed to happen. The day was too pretty, then bam. Idk.. I guess, no day really seems right for a disaster. They never fit. Do they?
Someone once told me that "A girl with such a pretty face should never frown." To me.. That's just like, the disaster of a frown doesn't fit on my face. It doesn't belong. But, honestly, who has a face that looks good with a frown?

I've been really sad lately guys. Idk. I know it'll get better. I know I whine. But, I don't whine any other time.. I really don't. This is my outlet. I don't do it for attention. I don't do it for pity. Idk.. I kinda just feel like I'm admitting my weakness.
Today, a kid told me he was going to kill himself.. He had reasons why like, "Everyone seems to hate me. Girls wont have sex with me." And the whole time I was thinking "I have so many more reasons..." But, I stick it out. It's not that hard. I texted Greg (new friend down here, guitar guy) and he said he just wanted attention. And.. I kinda knew that. But, I didn't care. I still wanted to be there for the suicidekid. Because.. when I want to kill myself, I want so badly for people to care.. And they never do. Even if I never come out and say "I'm going to kill myself".. When I say I'm sad, no matter how strong I want to be, I really need help. But no one takes it seriously. Everyone thinks I just want pity.. Or that's what I think anyways. Idk... I guess I don't usually tell people I'm sad in the first place.

My uncle bill is in jail. Anyone who is reading this should know why. I just don't understand. I don't think he did it. And now he has 2.5 years at the least in jail. I love him so much. And my cousin Whitney, his daughter, said God was good for putting him in jail. I don't think God put him in jail.... I don't understand this world.
I asked Ryan why bad things happen like that and he said "When I think about true love, I believe true love lets people choose no matter what. God doesn't force us to love him. He lets us chose, But we don't always chose to love God and people. A lot of times we chose to destroy, sometimes not even knowing why. We have made the mistakes which affect the world. God lets us chose because he loves us that much. He loves us so much that he doesn't care if we fuck it up. He just created us to let us experience his love."


I really love Ryan.

I really don't care if sounds like I want pity.
Is that wrong?
I just like to write how I feel.
And... sometimes what I feel is pitiful.

I wish I could explain to you how I feel... I am seriously, my biggest enemy... I'm killing myself. I feel like I have two people inside me. One knows that the other side is wrong.. But the other side, it's bad The other side thinks I'm horrible. I can't do anything right.. Anything.
I'm in a fight and the other side is winning, I need help.. I need some help.
I'm trying so hard.
But it just has me split. With the cold and hot winds.
I'm sensing a tornado. Maybe this is the tornado..
But you can't hear this, you can't understand...
I'm sad..
I love Jesus.
I know I don't need a guy and I'm trying to keep reminded myself that but, the habit is in my veins. I wish I would have said no. I tried.. I was helpless. I was pathetic. I was the lamb.
And he was the lion.

I could have just stopped it. I could have. Why didn't I? I hate myself. Uhg.
Taylor said that I have too much damn respect for other people. And none for myself. And I believe that's the truth... She said I'm too scared. I'm too scared I'll hurt someone. And I'm killing myself while saving everyone else.


God, help me.

I have no trouble admitting who I was. I have no trouble telling you who I was only a moment ago. Why? Because that is not who I am this moment. Ask me anything about what I did, what I thought, anything- I am confident that I am not longer that person.

I don't make decisions, you make the decisions.
It's dark and I'm cold.
So help me find the way.
Guide me, guide me..

I start to scream,
But your plug is in my throat.
I start to run away,
But your walls surround me.
I want out,
I can't control this.
This is a falling out,
I know I can control this.
I don't have the will.
My strength has washed away.
So I'll set every damn thing on fire.
My heart is a sinking ship.
My head has blown a fuse.
I'm sick of all this shit.
I write my words,
so you can burn them,
Then blow away the ashes.
I make this smile,
You can't see my frown.
I can't express this hate.
I'm don't with myself.
I'm a lost cause.
I'm lost because..

I'm always red handed.

Also some kid just told me I look like a chipmunk because of my teeth.
That means I have gross teeth.
Buck teeth.

I'm so sick of today.

So I realized why I'm having trouble finding people I want to hang out with.
Because I'm so used to my people. And my people where nothing like me. I was the only one in the group like me...
I was the only rachel.
Now the groups I'm finding are all like me.
And... I'd rather me the only one.

I miss home.

I'm so depressed.
That's all.

I met a boy. He's teaching me how to play guitar. He re-strung my guitar...
He thinks he has a chance with me. Thats why he's being so nice.
I just want to learn how to play guitar.
Poor kid.


I found a really awesome youth group, here.

I miss home..

Panic attack number 2 today.
Uhg : (
They suck.
2 in 5 days.

I miss home.

I've never been so mad.
Ever.

I hope..
I hope that...


Jesus loves you because I most certainly can't.


First he insults me. While I was insulting him, granted. But he thinks he's so great. I was trying to tell him he wasn't, nicely. And he thought I was telling him he was even greater! So, I just let him have it.
Then, he gave up and stopped replying. Then he gets all buddy buddy with Joe whom he only ever talked shit on. ever. Joe being one of my best friends. And joe goes for it!!! Even though he knows I'm mad at sam. And that sam only ever talked shit. And now joe is doign a music video for Sam. W.T.F. He woulcn't get along with him when we were together.


THEN. He tells Nic's girlfriend Alyson that I'm obsessed with Nic and nic begs me to get drunk with him. WHich he knows isn't true. That cause a whole big problem that wasn't needed.


Idk. I'm sure you had to be in my shoes to really understand, I was just so mad. I still kinda am.


I hate the smell of new jeans.

This isn't just "goodbye", this is "I can't stand you."


I had a panic attack yesterday in school. The worst one I've ever had, it came out of no where. And, seriously if I'd even give you the disgusting facts there's no way you'd think I was being dramatic. I still feel kinda weird.
But after I had it and calmed down, I got sooooo hyper.

Bah.


So, I miss home, so much.


Here isn't bad though.

uhhhhhh.

December 23rd.

I sleep through the alarms,
I sleep to rid your finger tips.
When I sleep I feel numb.
When I breath, I am numb.
I can't escape.
There is never an impulsive escape.
I washed all mine down the sink.
You are no substitute..
You have no substance.
I'm the best actress.
I make my smile, I make my mask.
I kiss you, I just act.
I think, I feel, you have no idea.
I give you my heart as shield.
With mine around your's,
I take the pain, I take the fall.
I need it for myself.
You don't make me.
You can not break me.
This is my life, my heart.
It was mine from the start..
I am the ghost, in the past.
I can't stop the haunt.
You never stopped the hunt.
I'm the ghost, in your breath.
I'll take it all away.
The beat of your heart,
It was not my song..
This has gone on way too long.
I put my foot down,
But I will not yell.
You will hear, you never listen..
I'm so far away.
I'm cold like December Twenty-Third.

Funny thing is, I'm afraid of masks.
But I'm a master at making them.

I don't look beautiful when I frown.
Pictures just look better with smiles.
Smiles make people feel better.
People feel less guilty.
But I'm gone.
There is no one to blame.
I'm not strong enough.

If smiles are always fake,
how will I know how to make one real.